ThrowawayofSilence

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Madison Howard

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ThrowawayofSilence

2023-12-06 13:40:32

To anyone who reads this

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listen, forget those fuckhead kids in your school. i was bullied and beaten because i was different and didnt “fit in”. it ruined my self esteem. but once school is over, they are the ones who got terrible luck and i started finding my way. those people are peaking in highschool and you have so much more to learn and give to this world. dont give up.

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I genuinely have lost most if not all of the "not giving up" juice over the past year. I am just so tired of both my body and my environment failing me. I just want peace.

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I don’t think you’re writing this for attention. Sometimes people start tip-toeing the edge of k*lling themselves hoping they can go far enough to get it done. But that’s a big choice. Obviously. It’s a scary thing to go through with. Sometimes people will say their “last words” and not be able to go through with it. Or they unexpectedly find hope to hold onto at the last minute. I hope you change your mind. I hope this is as far as you’ll go in giving up on yourself. I hope you found something to hold onto right after you posted this. If it IS for attention…ok. Sometimes people need attention. I can’t agree that making statements like this is the healthiest way to get attention, but I can agree that when someone really, really needs to be seen and they don’t trust that anyone around them will pay attention, it usually results in behavior that is impossible to ignore. So. There’s nothing for anyone to get mad at you for, just for writing this. Don’t forget that high school is designed to be hard and shitty. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel how hard and shitty it is, but take it with a grain of salt. I know I would have rolled my eyes so fucking hard at someone for saying this to me when I was in HS (I’m 31 now) but I’m so serious…just try to focus on getting good grades so you can get the fuck up out of that school and go out into the world and pursue a career and a life that is fulfilling and enriching. Let high school kids be stupid. Fuck them. By the time you (or then) are my age, you will have been at least 10 different versions of yourselves. The shitty ones will mostly evolve into more decent human beings. Some won’t. But the ones who don’t evolve won’t be able to reach the ones who do, when high school is over. They’ll be broke and sad and too busy struggling to survive to even be in the same space as evolved, educated people like yourself. Leave them to drown in that shit. Look out for yourself. There’s not a fucking thing they can say to you to change the fact that their life is always going to suck. Yours won’t, though. Not like theirs will. Fuck em.

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I've tried focusing on just getting decent grades but even then some of my teachers focus so hard on being "in" with students (my school is ridiculously small) that even teachers often will delay teaching certain things and will allow guys in my class to just not do work mid class. We had a break between classes and so I was just resting in what I thought was a private area (after hearing I need to see a neurologist I was so stressed I couldn't sleep) and these guys put their phone on alarm right next to my ear as a joke. The teacher nearby just let out a chuckle as I was startled from my rest. I'm exhausted from this shit every. Single. Day.

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