Guilty about running away from home

Might finally be leaving home soon (17, and I'm not going to be a runaway I'm sorting this out with authorities so we have a plan for where I can go) but I just can't bring myself to do it. My parents genuinely don't believe that my house is emotionally abusive and would find the thought of me suggesting that crazy. My adult brother stays here voluntarily because he'd rather live in a crazy house than fund his own life but I'm not close enough with him to discuss that. My mother's poisoned her side of her family to think that I'm some spoilt evil child who's a headache to her life (my dad isn't in touch with his side) and I know that if I were to leave she'd tell them even worse stuff. My whole house will be screaming shouting arguing for weeks and months about how they let me get so spoilt and ungrateful that I left. They'll be so ashamed of me. Especially since materially I get everything I could want/need, I've never had to worry about my next meal or anything. I want to save up the rough amount it took to raise me and give it to them anonymously when I'm older. But right now I just can't deal with the shame of having to go, especially because I think they do genuinely love me a lot at the end of the day. They just can't see how what they're doing has fucked me up permanently.

They'll be as upset about me leaving as a normal family would about their child leaving. Because in their mind we are normal. The screaming, shouting, arguing, criticising, blaming, gaslighting, abusing, is all 'love', right? Everyone does that, right? They'll never understand. But to be fair, there are ups and downs. Right now has been a bit of an 'up'. There've been arguments for the past few days obviously, but I've managed to keep them not directed at me. And physical stuff hasn't properly happened for a few years now because I make sure to not provoke them to that point. But I just can't help but feel that it's all in my head and I'm a massive ungrateful attention seeker and that I'm doing a horrible thing to them. The thought about what they'll say about me and how they'll react makes me physically nauseous and that thought alone might be what stops me from leaving.