Going 37M, feeling very down, I don't know if this belongs here, I don't know where to go.

Hi.
I know it's long, I am sorry.
I grew up in a bad environment with domestic violence, my father took his life at my 29, bad friendships, an early abusive girlfriend, I was just dealt bad cards. I 'm feeling faulty. Suicidal thoughts have become a norm.
Depression and past video game addiction have taken many years.
I was never encouraged, nor did I do something to follow my passions.
Procrastination, I don't know what.
It's highly likely I also have strong ADHD, I 've never been diagnosed, just mentioning for what it's worth.

On my 23 years, I impulsively chose to study subjects like electrician and later on hairdressing, but I have bad issues with my lower back and flat feet, and I struggle standing still longer than 40 minutes.
I have missed many opportunities for working jobs I would had dreamt of, even for just a while - try things - just because of my body's construction.
I recently chose to try the adult content route, but I just couldn't, I wasn't content.
Life has had me working summer seasons on islands as a driver and it was alright, but I wasn't feeling creative.
During winters, I 'd carefully eat my money and stay depressed in my room, waiting for the next season.
As years went by, I was just feeling more and more helpless having a routine I couldn't stand. It fogs me in a bad way.

So I 'm sitting in my room almost broke and career-less right now, my hobbies which I would love to turn into something are singing and music, and I don't know if I could ever make a living of it.
I have no studies on them, just self taught through some years, and picked up singing some months ago which I love so much.
In 5 days give or take I 'll try to work as an electrician apprentice and I know that my bad body won't take it, even with a belt.
I don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading truly.