First time posting, need support/advice/positivity

This is my first time posting on Reddit, but I read in here often and I think I might feel better if I reach out to y’all. Please allow me grace for incorrect use of abbreviations.

My wife (33F, BPD, ADHD) and I (37M) have been together going on nine years, married for three. She wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until 3 years into our relationship, and two years into law school. I knew her mom had it but was unmedicated, and that her grandma was Bipolar Psychotic. I honestly didn’t think much of it at the time. I was so in love with her and the idea of a future with her that I would have done anything, she was my absolute best friend. Do you ever love someone so much that you speak in pieces of experiences you’ve shared or things you’ve seen? We had our own language. At the time her main negative habits were staying up too late/sleeping in past noon, and being very late to any family/formal function. I again thought she would grow out of this after she graduated law school and was forced to wake up for work.

5 years later and she hasn’t. I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before. I’m a very romantic and empathetic person, and I feel like something inside of me is dying. I feel like I can’t ever express how I’m feeling or how she makes me feel, without it somehow being turned on me for not being supportive enough. I feel crazy when I tell her she shouldn’t keep drinking and stay up until 3 and she tells me that I’m “lecturing her, parenting her, or that she’s in trouble.”

She recently found a therapist, but that was after two years of promising me each month she would find one, and coming up with excuses not to.

We share a car, and I always make sure everyone morning coffee is ready for her on the burner, and that the house/dishes/trash etc are all taken care of. I have surprised her by doing her laundry multiple times when it starts flowing like a river of neglect out into the common areas. I always ask her about her day and tell her how much I love her, and I love surprising her with thoughtful gifts as well. But if I ask to kiss her or let me hold her she often shrugs and says “hmm maybe idk.” And then she doom scrolls on her phone the rest of the night.

It didn’t used to be this way at all. Our sex life for the first four years was very healthy and then one day during law school it stopped. My therapist thinks she is gaslighting/DARVO. I never thought that was possible, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it might be happening.

She can’t accept responsibility for her negative actions (late for my dads funeral,) and when she is told she’s hurt my feelings it immediately becomes her saying how I’m making her feel like she’s walking on eggshells or that she’s in trouble.

She still says how much she loves me but I’m starting to notice she only feels like the previous version of herself that I fell in love, when we’re around other people. When we’re alone or on vacation I wake up and make coffee, read, daydream about a partner experiencing this with me, or do whatever I can to pass the time until she’s awake. When she’s awake she might not want to do much and I feel trapped. Ill try to motivate her or come up with plans but we’ll be late or she’ll be too tired (because she also forgets to eat constantly unless it’s dinner,) and we don’t really do anyone memorable.

I can see she’s trying, and she’s constantly down on herself, saying she’s overwhelmed and that she’s not enough for me (she’ll say this when I explain something like how scrolling on her phone when we’re visiting my mom is a bummer and hurts my moms feelings.)

I just feel so lost. I can’t imagine being without her. We had such a beautiful beginning with friendship and what I thought was true love. But the last two years I feel like whenever I’m opening up about something, she gets further and further away. She doesn’t try to fix it, she says she’ll work on it but never puts in even the slightest amount of effort until the very last minute.

I always talk about my dreams of the future and how much I love her but I’m also scared that I’ll feel this way forever if we stay married. That I’ll always be chasing acceptance or approval from her and that if I accomplish enough, she’ll be more affectionate, or understanding, or empathetic.

My friends and family are always checking in on me and my gut has the emptiest worst feeling most days. On car rides together, often in silence, I feel like screaming. It’s this feeling of isolation and not being seen.

Is this common?? Have any of you experienced this? Am I going crazy? I just feel like I’m slipping away

I know this is super long but hopefully someone made it through, I’m sure there are grammatical/spelling errors throughout. Thank you so much for letting me say all this.