I still miss you

I really don't know why you blocked me, came back, blocked me, came back and promised to never do it again. But you did block me and cut me off from your life this time indefinitely. I always try to find some or the other reason as to why you did this. I already know the new place you shifted to didn't have good people. My intuition was right. I always told you that I fear you might change. You did reassure me all the time that it wouldn't happen and no matter what you could never imagine your life without me and would never be able to cut me off. But you did that exactly.

I always felt like talking shit about you , shaming you and just tag you as the toxic person in my life, but I cant do that. Well I tried to when I was angry and didnt know what to do but I always knew that I lied to myself whenever I tried to belittle you. I have now accepted that maybe you were perfect and me trying to think of putting you in the negative light wont help me in forgetting you either. . Its been 3 years and I still miss the way you loved me and made me feel important. You put up with everything that I did and no matter what you always gave me the reassurance and love I needed. While I know I might have taken things for granted. I wanted to do better, but I was immature and only realised it after you told me for the first time that you wanted a break. Maybe it was because you always told me that I was the person who you wanted to marry and be for the lifetime. I regret doing that and I wished I would have been better. Us meeting in the first place was the craziest thing ever. Now that I obviously dont have you. Even when I have been in a couple of relationship now, I feel like blaming you for a lot of things. All the unconditional love and affection you poured on me has become the thing I crave again with someone. But you would be surprised to know , the way you stand out. I cant find anyone in my life now who loved me the way you did, who was so obsessed with me all the time, who would always make me feel special. I try to find that in my dating life but lately no one prioritizes me the way you did. You told me how you needed constant reassurances all the time and I didn't probably at that time. But I still took every chance to tell you how much I loved you and adored you. Now after you left, you have transferred that gift to me. Having the need for reassurances. How the tables turned. But unlike you I haven't found anyone who would do that to me and trust me that only makes me feel worse so many times. I am in the position to need reassurance, comfort and love but its me who always does that, they dont. That makes me think often of you of how you were always there for me or tried to be at least. I trusted the forever you said now I have the gift of trust issues, I dont trust them.

While you gave me so many letters and gifts they all stuck with me because I didn't know what to do with them. I had no closure from you and just hated how you moved on so quickly while I was struggling and wishing to have you back. I made a decision and burnt a lot of the letters and some personal things, but even that didnt make me feel better. I still have a few things that you made for me because I cant imagine the extent to which you went and the efforts you put in. While I have promised myself to discard them when I find someone special and the one for me , but know that I have them. Even when we haven't talked for close to 3 years now I still feel like keeping them, to show me how much someone could love me and I should always know that one day I will probably deserve to be loved like that again.

Its a long letter but I hope this gives the much needed closure. I hope you think of me this often too and I stay rent free in your head. Writing a letter to you like this for the first time. Not sure if its the last.