I think im depressed.

TW : Suicidal thoughts. THIS IS YOUR WARNING.

I dont know anymore. i just graduated, just turned 18..ive always had a pretty good life. Loving and supportive parents, typical older brother.

Ive been putting off getting a job and my license for years, hoping i could just enjoy my youth. now im 18, i dont have an excuse anymore. Ive been in and out of therapy for many reasons, i have a traumatic past. But im so unmotivated i dont even know what to tell my therapist anymore.

I play video games. I draw. I have a loving boyfriend, hes the only reason im alive. I want to tell him that but i feel like it would be guilt tripping him if he ever wanted to break up. so i dont. I try my best to help around the house as i lie about searching for a job. But it just keeps getting worse for me. My step dad. hes a fucking annoying asshole, i know everything hes done, from cheating on my mom to hitting his own son. I hate him, hes started belittling me every time i see him : 'hows the job search' 'when are you getting a job' 'you could always just hurry and get a job' he says all of this in that condescending tone. i dont think he understands how hard it is for me. and i dont think he cares.

I want to kill myself. Ive never harmed myself though, im too scared. i have a journal, ive written a suicide note in it and no one knows about it. Ive done this before but i think the next time i do it itll be a true note. Not just something ill throw away or burn...i think if i ever got into a close to death accident..i wouldnt want to make it. i would decline medical help. i said ive never harmed myself but now i think thats a lie, i drink monster energy all the time. its actually an extremely bad addiction i have. ive done the math. 31 monsters in 24 hours is enough to hospitalize a grown man. so how much for a teen girl? maybe 15? 16? 20 for good measure? Maybe my organs would fail. i hope they will.

How can i be so ungrateful. I dont want a job. I dont want to go back to school. I just want to rot in my room everyday. Hell i would resort to selling pictures of my body if it meant i wouldnt have to leave my room. I want an experation date. i want to know the day i die. Please help me, anyone. i dont want some lecture about how it gets better. i want someone who understands. someone who i can talk to who truly understands what is happening to me.