i hate how i look

i don’t wanna be alive anymore. i feel so unattractive undesirable gross and ugly. do i really have body dysmorphia or am i just aware of my ugliness? my nose is wide and that doesn’t fit the beauty standards nowadays and even if it did, i find it so ugly on me. it’s not feminine and makes me feel like a man. i cant do makeup without my wide ass nose taking up all the space and being so noticeable. please i cant take it anymore i cant i’m losing my mind i’m about to be 19 and i’ve been fixating about it my entire life. i cant get a nose job because there only good surgeons are in turkey/jordan and i can’t go there. if i do my nose in the US i’d fuck it up and it wouldn’t turn out how i want it to. i cant feel pretty no matter what i do. i’m tired. i wanna be confident i wanna love myself i wanna be able to go outside without having to hide my face or hide my nose around people. i don’t show pictures of myself to my boyfriend because i feel hideous. nobody likes big noses it’s not a delusion it’s not all in my head i know my nose isn’t pretty and i can’t accept it. i wanna be able to look in the mirror and feel like accepting of myself i wanan feel beautiful i wanna wear cute clothes and do my makeup and hair without looking in the mirror and feeling like i wanna cry. why was i cursed w this i try to be grateful that i don’t have any deformities but man why can’t i just be average😭it’s hard being unattractive especially nowadays in todays society where looks are almost everything. i have no desire to do anything for myself in the future no passion no motivation for anything simply because of my nose. i cant take it anymore