Life feels different

I had to TFMR a week and a day ago due to PPROM at 17w2d. It was the most traumatizing, heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to do and life just feels different now.

The innocence of pregnancy is now tainted for me.

And I know pregnancy doesn’t have that much innocence especially after going through something like this, but I was under the impression I was having a low risk pregnancy with no complications.

It is now tainted.

Knowing all my pregnancy’s will now be high risk going forward is really weighing heavy on me.

Knowing I will never feel the same excitement I felt with that second line on the test for the first time hurts. Of course there will be excitement but it won’t be the same. This time the anxiety will flood in the second the excitement does.

The fear of losing my next pregnancy will take over my whole body next come around.

But I just want that happy feeling I had. The happy feeling of waking up every morning and feeling my belly to see if there was any change that day. The happy feeling of checking my app to see how big the baby was that week. The happy feeling of reading the weekly paragraphs to my husband from the what to expect book. The happy feelings of having everything I wanted after 2 years of trying.

It just feels different.