day 1 of d&e - thoughts and some questions

so because im 22 weeks, my doctor is having me do two days of laminaria placement (sorry if I spelled wrong). so I got the first ones inserted this morn, changing them out / doing more tomorrow morning, then Friday morning is the procedure.

Im starting to feel some peace about this decision, and surprisingly am not a mess right now (even though I have been pretty fricken depressed the last two weeks since we got the initial news). the karyotype from the amnio finally came back yesterday confirming FULL triploidy, not mosaic. they had predicted that anyways, due to our baby girls severe abnormalities - but hearing that final diagnosis is giving me peace with this decision knowing she would not have a chance at survival at all.

last night I had a couple watery gushes - which I was suspecting might be my water breaking. I told the doctor today, she just said to call if it gets severe or I have a lot of bleeding or anything like that but that even if it is an early sign of pre-term labor that it wouldn't interfere with the procedure. This also is reassuring, that my body is sorta responding to the fatal-ness of my baby's condition and potentially beginning early labor (again idk if thats happening for sure but maybe)

anyways, we discussed funeral homes and such with the doctor today, because I want to have her cremated. that part feels really hard. my partner asked if there was any chance we could see the baby like in a photo, but the doctor said no because she wouldn't come out in one piece. even though I logically knew that, I wasn't really allowing myself to acknowledge that, and hearing her say that felt pretty awful. but, im really reminding myself that the body is not the soul, and that her soul will be free and ill always be able to spiritually connect with her. I am asking for footprints, her ashes, and plan to make a beautiful memory box that I paint on and add letters to, etc.

I was not expecting the amount of pain after the laminar placement, the cramps were pretty brutal so I took an oxycodone they prescribed, which is deff helping but im still in some pain. Slly me thought it would be like mild cramps and that I would go to a restaurant tonight! ha, nope. thankfully my partner could not be being more loving and helpful.

im really nervous for how im going to feel after everything is said and done - im sure a massive wave of grief and heartbreak is to be accepted, but I hope that this peace and acceptance that I am feeling today will stick around.

I dont even really know what im asking, I just want to share, and if anyone feels like responding that would mean a lot <3