Worst I’ve been while fronting as a functional person.

I'm drowning. I am the fattest I've been in my life. I'm drinking more than I ever have. I'm more depressed than I've been. Yet I'm nearing my graduation with a masters. I'm a therapist intern and on the path to be licensed.

What a joke. Sure, I am sober when I work with clients, but I'm trying to drink the second I'm out of the office. I half ass my class work yet have a 4.0. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't deserve my GPA. I don't deserve my husband. I don't deserve my job. It needs to end. I keep trying. I keep failing. I've read so many posts. So many comments. Nothing has helped me fend off this demon. I feel stuck. I think someone will figure me out at any moment and take away everything, but they never do. That'd be fair. I haven't earned this. I've been privileged and lucked out my whole life. If I wasn't born to the family I was, I'd probably be homeless and struggling to find booze. Instead, I drive the car I fully own to the store and buy whatever booze I want with money my husband and I earn. The guilt consumes me. It's a cycle. Drink > feel guilty > drink due to guilt > feel guilty > etc.