It was me

I think being a SP is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in life, and I've given birth twice. I've worn these pants for 13yrs. Most of us are overlooked. Our efforts are downplayed. We live in the background. Judged. Acknowledgment? What even is that? But somehow we're always the firstline of defense. We're labeled like a markdown item in Walmart. For new SP here are my words for you. You will doubt everything. Can I do this? Why did I sign up for this? Is it worth it? BP is nonexistent, but somehow runs everything.

The first few years of being a SP, I can admit. I was detached. I only focused on BKs. BM hated me, so the energy was returned. What I realized was, I was standing in my own way. I was the problem. One day, I asked myself "Would I want a SM like me?" & "Would I even like me?" I didn't like my answers. I remembered that this is the kid I've helped potty train, tie his shoes, taught him the ABCs, but yet, I didn't look at him as my son. Just as someone I have to help DH take care of. He had a mom, so he didn't need me, right? I didn't really show affection, thats her job to nurture. I assumed I was doing a good job, because I did what the definition of a SP was. Always there. Showing up to every event, or occasion. Rooting and cheering. Everyone around would tell you Im a great SM. So good at it, BM disappeared for a long while. Her distance did something to us both. I found myself telling him she loved him. She cared. She'll call back. Maybe she'll make it next time. She's going to be okay. I was making excuses for her, to bring him peace. The same woman who wished me death.

Reality hit me. He deserved a better version of me. He did need me. I changed. A teen now. The dynamics have changed. In an emergency he'll call me before calling BM or DH. He will have my undivided. I listen to him. He's included. I opened my heart to him. It was never always butterflies and rainbows. I can write horror stories for days. SKs can be a pain. Full of resent. Manipulation. But I think putting myself in SS shoes helped me mentally as a SP.