I hate myself for feeling this way.

SO (42M) and I (38M) are broke AF. Like, high chance we can't pay the mortgage and other bills next month. Why is a long story, but to sum it up, we got royally, totally fucked sideways financially by someone we thought was a friend and then attempted to start a new marketing program (one that has over a decade of proof of concept and has been wildly successful until now) for a direct sales organization in an industry that was booming, with no indication of any upcoming problems. The industry, at least in our area, suddenly and unpredictably tanked. We are scrambling to find other viable income sources in the meantime, and while some progress is being made, it's not enough yet.

I'm falling apart at the seams. I can't sleep, can barely eat and keep having low blood sugar episodes. We're both working insane hours and have yet to make any money, other than the few hundred bucks I earned this week from signing up for a food delivery app. (Which is not sustainable - it's pretty much the worst one around, not worth the wear and tear on my car, but everything else has long wait-list.)

All of this to say that things are tight, to say the least. We have his kids this weekend and all I can think about is how much work he'll miss due to spending time with them. I resent that I'll be busting my butt all weekend and he won't, he'll be having fun with the kids (although I know he'll feel guilty the whole time). He's going to work as much as he can, but he doesn't see them as much as he wants and he can tell that the youngest (SS12) is starting to feel neglected. I'm irrationally irritated with SS because he's old enough to understand that someone has to make money to keep him clothed and fed. I know I'm terrible for that, he's just a kid who wants to be with his dad. I'm sorry, kiddo.

Also, I resent the money we have to spend on the kids. I resent the child support, the extra groceries, the higher utility bills. You might say to have SO pay the difference, but please understand - it's just not possible right now. I can't stop seeing them as dollar signs going out the window. Again, you might say, well, those expenses are his responsibility. I agree completely. But it still affects his ability to help support the household. It still affects me. In the end, I still have to sacrifice more than I already have because of his choices. I have no kids myself by choice, and a big factor in that choice is the expense involved.

It wasn't always like this. He made good money when we first met, and my income wasn't bad. Things are just hard right now. I'm working tonight, but I'm afraid to go home because I don't know how to be kind and welcoming to the kids when I feel this way. And I work in sales, so I have to be happy and carefree and on point with people. I can't stop crying in a gas station parking lot right now. I'm losing out on potential money and I fucking can't. I feel so weak and powerless. Guilty. Angry. Bitter.

I keep telling myself, you chose this. Normally that's not something that I'd ever say to a SP having a hard time. But for me, with this, yes, I did. I knew kids were expensive. I just didn't consider what would happen if things got this bad. FML.

I'm going to look into the requirements to be able to get something from the local food bank. I'm not telling SO. I mentioned it before and he was not a fan, but here we are.

This isn't fair to the kids. And I don't think it's really all that fair to SO. There's literally nothing to be done about it now. I don't know.

Edit: Thank you so much to the people who have been supportive, you've been so helpful.

Apparently I need to clear up a misconception. Direct sales is not solely MLM BS. We're in solar sales. It's not a scam. I have plenty of happy clients with solar installed on their roofs. Before this year, it paid decently. MLMs are characterized by having to pay money to get started and by annoying your friends, and not actually making any real money. We have been able to support a household comfortably for several years until the recent downturn.