1 day clean...

so yesterday my dad found my last blade and yesterday I had a good little sob over it and today I havent hurt myself but... my method of choice is a pencil sharpener blade if I cant find a razor and I can buy a pencil sharpener no questions asked and like arghhhhh idk if I actually want to be clean. it's to much. sometimes I wonder if I could just pop some pills and die but I'm also a wimp soooooo probs not gonna happen. idk I cut to deep styro yesterday and it barely left a cut wtffffff. it's so addictive I just want to cut again. I cut my chest yesterday and my arms and stomach are healing argggggggggggh. idk I'm lost.... at least I'm clean for the longest time since December.