The Boring 'Perfect' Guy vs. The Attractive 'Loser'
On paper, John was perfect.
He was a pre-med student, and was in amazing shape due to his dedication to diet and fitness. He was clean-cut, and stood at 6’2’’—the definition of ‘traditionally handsome.’
He was generally seen as one of the smartest students by his peers, and was the go-to guy when they needed help with an assignment. He treated others with respect, especially women. He was deathly afraid of upsetting them, or offending them in any way.
When women first met him, their first thought was how hot he was. But once they got to know him, they eventually saw of him as a handsome older brother type— the type of guy they would try to set their friends up with, but weren’t interested in dating themselves, despite his incredible looks.
Although he had going for him, John had problems with confidence and self-esteem. He had always chased accomplishments to cover up his insecurities, and was the definition of a people-pleaser. He hated conflict, and wanted to be liked by everyone.
John had never been in a relationship. He had a couple of friends, but was definitely not a sociable person. He rarely went out, and would often run out things to talk about when the topic wasn’t related to school. Surprisingly, despite his insecurities, he felt he had the qualities that “women” should want in man.
He was able to get dates occasionally, but they never went anywhere. His dates always consisted of dinner dates where he asked a never-ending series of questions in order to get to know the women, but he was too nervous to share many of his own opinions, experiences, or
He used his looks and accomplishments and looks as a crutch instead of developing his personality and self-perception.
John knew that he was handsome, and would get upset when he saw an attractive woman with a guy who he thought was worse-looking than him. Despite his Nice Guy public persona, he was entitled and resentful of being lonely.
John had been in the same program with his crush Lauren for the past few years. They had gone on a date a while back, and like most others, it went nowhere. Lauren was John’s ideal girl—smart, kind, petite with beautiful features and an incredible body.
Lauren was very outgoing and type-A, and although she respected John, she thought he was too closed-off, shy, and boring. John thought Lauren was the one, and was convinced she would see the error of her ways.
What made John most infuriated was seeing Lauren with her boyfriend, Stephen.
Stephen was 5’6”, rail-thin, and by all accounts, looked like a ‘rat’ to others. He was enrolled in a few classes in the nearby community college, but was still a few years older than John. Stephen was the ‘ugliest’ in his group of friends, but was the most successful with women— by far.
Despite not being considered traditionally handsome, Stephen had a type of charisma that was hard to define. He worked as a server at a local pizza place, so he was constantly interacting with others, he could strike up conversations with a wide array of people—old women, hot college freshmen—he had the same confident vibe with both and essentially treated them the same. He was good at telling stories, and was comfortable conversing about almost anything, and wasn’t afraid to hide his true opinions on things.
He also had a unique sense of style. Some might think it was grungy, or even a little strange, but he wore things that made him feel confident. He had a unique hairstyle, and wasn’t clean-shaven, but he was always generally clean and still kept up with his grooming.
Stephen knew he wasn’t the greatest-looking guy, so he figured it was pointless trying to be someone he wasn’t to impress women. He was who he was, and he was very comfortable with it, and didn’t have a sense of entitlement when it came to women. Some would like him, some wouldn’t.
He had a reputation as a player amongst his co-workers and social circle. He didn’t flaunt it, nor did he deny it. He just lived his life. Lauren had started working at the pizza joint, and her initial impression of Stephen was that he wasn’t her type at all.
She had heard rumors that he had hooked up with some of the other girls in the pizza joint. These girls were vying for his attention, he somehow was confident and charming around both of them despite the drama. She really didn’t get what the hype was about.
Her first few interactions with Stephen gave her conflicting emotions. He would playfully tease her and joke around, but he also knew everything about the restaurant, and would step in to help her when she was struggling. He always knew how to solve a problem when she had one.
She started to see the appeal. He was fun, quick-witted, and but he was very good at what he did, and didn’t seem to expect anything from her in return. He wasn’t intimidated by her outgoing personality like most guy were, and she secretly liked the fact that other women were fighting for his attention.
After a few months of working together, she and Stephen grew closer. She would even tease him about the girls fighting over him. He would just grin and say that he was a ‘friendly person.’
One night, Lauren was surprised when Stephen asked her out. He didn’t make a big deal about it, didn’t give a grand confession of feelings, just said they should go get drinks on Saturday. She had secretly wanted him to ask her out for a while.
During their date, Stephen was genuinely interested in getting to know Lauren. He thought she was very attractive, and liked getting closer to her. Although he had a crush on her himself, he didn’t fantasize about a relationship with her. He just had a genuine interest in her. During their conversation, he revealed how his mom had raised him without a dad around. Since a young age, he had been interested in computers and learned about them himself.
She saw how enthusiastic he was about Information Technology and computers. He hadn’t put effort into traditional school because more opportunity was out there with apprenticeships and certifications. He had been saving up to eventually start his own business.
A year after their first date, Stephen and Lauren were still together. He and his friend had started a small IT consulting business, and secured their first contract. He quit community college and working at the pizza shop. Lauren was still in pre-med.
To John, Stephen was a player, and a loser. He thought that Stephen had manipulated her and didn’t treat her how she deserved to be treated. He didn’t like how how he would occasionally tease her and didn’t appreciate her. What he didn’t see was Stephen’s drive, the way he made Lauren feel safe and protected by being competent in all areas of his life, and being there for her when she really needed it.
Stephen treated Lauren like a normal person he cared about, not an object or put her on an unrealistic pedestal.
Edit:
Here are some takeaways from the story:
There is a distinct difference between being good-looking and being attractive. John was better looking than Stephen, but Stephen had far better social skills, better Inner Game, and was his own person unapologetically.
Stephen wasn’t ripped, but he was still thin and wasn’t overweight. From what I’ve observed, guys don’t have to be jacked to get women, but not being overweight is a big factor. You see thin guys who aren’t good-looking with hot women, but rarely overweight guys with nice features. Weight is a factor.
Nice Guys like John think that women are turned off by guys who are players, and “smart women” like Lauren wouldn’t go for Stephen. Women want guys who are desired by other women, plain and simple. It’s a turnoff when guys flaunt it, or try to hard to have that perception. For Stephen, he was ambivalent about his perception as player. Having this perception that other women are vying for your attention is a good thing, despite what Nice Guys think.
John had a strange sense of entitlement with women because of his looks and accomplishments, although he was unsuccessful in his dating life. He bought into the “checklist mentality”—girls should “want” to be with him because he had a set of stereotypically attractive traits. Stephen did have this expectation because of his lack of entitlement. His interactions with women weren’t framed in a weird, expectant dynamic.
Stephen in this example isn’t an actual ‘loser.’ He’s perceived by some to be a loser because he pursuing his own version of success outside of mainstream acceptance. Lauren didn’t care because he was able to convey his passion, be vulnerable with her. Yes, some women are attracted to actual 'losers,’ but guys who are considered losers sometimes just have a different approach to things.
Demonstrated competence is a huge attraction point. Stephen teased and joked when Lauren, but when it came down to it, she could rely on him and he demonstrated leadership qualities, and without expectation. Nice Guys like John would try to help Lauren, but with an expectation that should would like him in return. Guys who are competent do so because it’s what they do, not to impress.
Full article: https://modating.substack.com/p/the-boring-perfect-guy-vs-the-attractive