I've spent months studying their behavior. The Mind of a Narc; let me explain.

In an effort to better understand my JustNo/Nmom and a JustNoMil I came to subs like this, and a few different online groups. What I found helped me tremendously in my journey towards healing.

Eventually I wanted the other side of the equation. It took some effort, but I found several Estranged Parents forums on different platforms and websites. I lied to get in, and then silently lurked for most of the year to gather as much information as I could, trying to understand what they really think, what they ultimately want, and how much they're capable of changing.

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You might be interested to know what I've learned.

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I'll list it here in the most brief format I can, and I'll happily answer questions or elaborate.

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• They are all the same. Narc behavior is a script, across any and all differences in tax brackets, ages, cultures, education, religion, and locations, they all do say and think...exactly...the...same. So what one narc does, the rest do. There is a spectrum - they're not all violent, for instance, but once you've figured out where your narc is on that spectrum, you have a pretty fixed set of expectations. What works for one might not necessarily work for the next, but in very broad terms, foiling a narc is foiling all of them. Forewarned is forearmed.
• The few variables that I've seen are largely from the religious, and the between education levels/ability to communicate (because lack of a higher education doesn't always equal less intelligent). The more educated ones tend to be better at playing the long game, and the less educated/communicative ones tend to get the loudest and repetitive. They do not get points across well, and cannot follow what other people say.
• They are angry. I was not prepared for the anger. They are all. Very. Angry.
• They say things like "I hate my child." Also something I was not prepared for.
• They are all Emotionally Immature. Reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" should be a must on everyone's list. Not one of them could muster a single emotionally complex thought, not once, anywhere on my internet travels.
• They have not heard you. They truly think that your concerns are lies. Why is that? Nutshell version - none of those things you said are valid concerns, so you're just being difficult.
• They do not miss you. They miss the way you made them feel when you were helpless and easily controlled. In all the time I spent there, I never saw more than one...ONE...story about how this parent missed doing things with her adult child. The rest barely talk about us at all, but if they do, it's in vague terms and generic thoughts, like "he used to adore me," or "she was always so sweet until ______ (usually an age somewhere between 10 and the tweens, when we start to explore the world outside the home unit)" They do not see us as individuals, only as "their child" and no amount of logic will shake that loose. That's true for most parents, but when they're benign, it's at worst, annoying. When they're malignant...it's suffocating.
• They think we're all liars. I saw so many conversations/posts where parents (as mentioned above) completely dismissed our point. But like..thoroughly. They hear our concerns and toss them as quickly as you would a small child who's crying because he can't be a giraffe. Like okay kid, maybe you need a nap. Imagine if tomorrow, the kid was still angry about it. You'd laugh it off.
• They think we're being controlled by others. This part wasn't said, but -> they can't imagine us as individuals who are capable of thoughts that disagree with theirs, so we MUST be getting these thoughts from other people.It's therapists, it's social media, it's their friends, that Satan that they married, it's TikTok, it's Covid, it's the Vaccine, it's China. Seriously.
• They cry, cry, cry. They all cry sooooo much. They cried and screamed all day and night for months on end. And mysteriously, always have happy stories and vacations and whatnot in between. But oh, they cry and cry and cry. Horseshit.
• Not only do they blame others for controlling us, but it's A CONSPIRACY. There's some massive conspiracy aimed at separating these "loving" parents from their kids.
• Not one of them saw this coming. Totally out of the blue. They've never understood why you're angry, they only tried to love you. (see above - they heard, they just think that you're lying) The part that sucks the hardest about this point is that they're literally incapable of understanding your side of it. It's a waste of time to try.
• They truly believe that they treated you well. They didn't kill you, so it couldn't have been that bad.
• The ones who were abused as children have zero sympathy. They really suffered, at least you got a PS4. Crybaby.
• The ones who decided to cut off their parents or family? They were justified. You are not. See above - you don't have legitimate reasons.
• Accountability is non-existent.
• Learning? What's that? The ones who've been estranged for decades are no closer to rational thinking than the ones estranged last week. I literally saw a post where a woman essentially said "I've learned that my son and his evil satan wife had a baby two weeks ago. My son estranged from me twenty years ago, I've never met his wife, and the last two times I showed up on their doorstep, they called the police on me. Should I go try to see the baby?" I was floored. And the resounding answer was "fuck them, you have the right to see the baby. Your relationship with the baby has nothing to do with them. Go show up."

There's more, and none of it is good.

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The biggest takeaway here is that they simply do not believe that your reasons are legitimate, and that leads them to ignore any and all reasons you come up with.

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I'll keep typing.

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• They lurk in places for us. They're too stupid to not out themselves though, and if they comment or otherwise interact, they get removed, kicking and screaming.
• They are forming "a movement." Of course it'll go absolutely nowhere, because they don't actually listen to each other. But they think the world needs to find out about this conspiracy that's taking their children from them.
• They don't listen to each other. They'll echo sentiments, but aside from attacking each other or brief congratulatory moments, they mostly just all repeat the same thing, over and over. Some members are on there for months at a time, posting several times a day, and it's just the same word salad in a different order.
• Every so often, a rational person shows up. Someone asking questions, and responding to the questions of others. These invariably go the same way - if they question anything too rationally, they are hounded, ganged up on, and either removed or choose to leave,
• I can't get enough of how they can't see our side of it. It's so incredibly dense. Example: a member posted a screenshot of a text that her DIL had sent her. Her lead-up was that DIL was a raving lunatic who was talking in circles with no real explanation of what was wrong. The text? One of the more clearly laid-out and simplified descriptions of the situation I've seen. She listed everything briefly, without emotion, just facts, and then followed up with solutions. MIL received hundreds of responses agreeing that DIL was a raving idiot, who was manipulative and cruel.
• We are all narcissists. Spoiled, lazy, dumb, entitled, narcissists. We think everything is about us, and nothing is about poor them, so neglected, so sad, so innocent.
• They don't math. They think that there are more estranged parents than there are estranged children. That one is always weird to see.

I think part of this is cathartic for me, but there;s a deep, deep part of my soul that has always soared when I see someone win in this Non-Game of Narcs. The understanding that the only way to truly win is to put down the pieces of their game, and pick up our own. Every time I see that, the one who finally cuts their losses and walks away, giving up The Last Word, the endless Hope For Change, it's a sad but glorious moment. To be free of those invisible shackles....I want that for all of us. And if you're still holding out that your narc is going to suddenly see you for who you really are, and realize that you DO love them unconditionally, maybe this is for you. Maybe you need to drop that rope and live for yourself and your own approval. At the end of your days, your narc will not be there, only you.

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Live for you.

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I'll keep typing.

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• They see us as equals in their relationship with them. Clarification - they don't see us as equals, they see us as equals in the relationship. In other words, they fail to comprehend that they are the only one who chose to have a child in this equation. They complain about (see above) changing diapers, taking us to school at all hours of ungodly, picking burrs out of our jackets, getting puked on, etc etc, and whatever it is that you say they do, they did all of that disgusting and terrible stuff that they didn't need to do, for you, you owe them. The profound lack of perspective that we were babies is uniform. They cannot understand that this is just being a parent. They only understand that you chose to puke on them. You chose to have a temper tantrum in the supermarket when you were three. You chose to make poop in the diaper that they had to clean up. They all seem to think that our birth was just some kind of personal attack that you have never stopped.

It's astonishing how profound their sense of this is. There's no reflection on parental duties, it's like they...I don't know, thought parenting would look more like Gwyneth Paltrow? All of our snotty noses, after-school activities, falling asleep at the weddings, these are all deeply personal attacks that they've never forgiven us for.

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And so...back to the top - they don't see opening your door, or opening your mail, or ignoring your boundaries..(your "boundaries" because you deserve none of those things you ask for...) is so inconsequential when compared to poopy diapers thirty years ago.