Decided to skip Xmas, cannot swallow up the guilt

Hi,

Last month, I started to feel very bad about christmas; first wanted to grey-rock but at the end I decided to not go. Not much because I didn't want to go that my health was going really bad. I have POTS, and probably Chronique Fatigue (and possibly MCAS) and lately my sleeping schedule is so off. I send a message to my nmom to cancel the 1st, telling her how I was sleeping from 4pm to midnight and she told me 'you can decide the 23 anyway"; I doubled down by giving her the presents from her and my sis (she comes to give me my laundry and take it as I can't do it) and...

my mom just didn't react. She said: oh, so I don't pick you up? Fine, I'll just bring you your present with the next laundry then.

And left.

And since then I feel so bad.

First, I'm like: she is being so nice with it so maybe she isn't a narc and I am a bad child and I should go? But then I'm also sad because I wish she would have cared that I would come or not.

Currently my sleep schedule is more around 6/8am to 4pm because I'm really such a wreck, so my illness truly is pressing on to not be in any ability to go and I wanna hold on it

but I'm also terrified to be a bad child and being just mean with my whole family...