Could use some uplifting. First day back at work, Day 5 CT. Anhedonia is winning.

Hi all - this is my 3rd go at quitting. 20-12 gpd capsules for 2 year. Tried tapering. Not for me - I’m all or nothing. An oblivion seeker, if you will.

First time out of the house since last Thursday. First day back at work. I simply cannot do the small talk, exchange pointless pleasantries, etc. I’m staring at a full inbox like I truly don’t give a fuck about any of this. I want to just walk out but I don’t have a financial cushion to coast on. Also, my coworkers are sweet and don’t deserve that.

That said, my work environment, especially leadership, are so unbelievably tone def and toxic (shocker). Thing is, I’ve had good work settings in past positions. Today it hit me - the Kratom was making this all tolerable. It allowed me to numb all the warning signs—run from this place. I work in HR fwiw.

Anyways, I am financially stuck here for the time being, living pay check to pay check. And now I don’t have my numbing agent. On top of that, I’m physically, emotionally and spiritually sick. I need to put this out there as an accountability check to not relapse. Something is different this time though. The vail has been lifted. I can’t unsee that I’m the only person blocking myself without the Kratom.

No clue what’s on the other side, but I’m making the jump.

Cheers to everyone working through your journey. Much love.