Workplace crush… but not?

I’m not gonna say who he is, but I’ve been working in the same department as this guy since I got hired. When I was hired he was the first person I immediately had a bad feeling about, who I knew I’d hate based on his personality. We work together almost every day, and at the start I really just thought he was a hard ass. He’s a busy body and good at his job and takes it seriously, and I’m often afraid of conflict with people who are too tight up like that. I have a lot of anxiety and don’t want people like him being on my ass all the time for minor things.

As we’ve worked what I’ve learned is he’s still a hard ass and will constantly remind employees of what they should be doing, but he’s also a real nerd with a good sense of humor.

I don’t personally find this person physically attractive and I also don’t hyperfocus on him at work and in a work setting he doesn’t distract me at all. I have no issues working with him and we get along fine as coworkers and our whole department likes to joke around (probably because our store is drowning in multiple ways and we are all in denial lmao).

The only issue I’m having is I think about him a lot outside of work. I won’t start out thinking about him at all, but a random point will hit in the day and he’ll come to mind and then I just repeat his name in my head a lot? I also picture his weird face just staring at me.

I don’t feel like I have a crush and I don’t have any particular reason to like him and don’t see us as anything in the future. I would never ask this guy out and don’t know his sexual orientation either way, and how he’d feel about me if I were more open with work about being trans. I live in the Bible Belt, it’s not like I can afford surgeries, and a lot of people down here are so conservative i just keep it to myself and let coworkers misgender me because they’re not a part of my personal life. I’ve never told him and have no reason to plan to.

But I guess I’m asking yall, what is this? Have you experienced it? What did you do about it? I absolutely don’t want to date him and I hate workplace relationships, it’s just really weird I keep finding myself thinking about him when I know I’m not into him like that and don’t feel any kind of way around him at work. In fact some days I hope he isn’t there because he’s a bit of a micromanager and it pisses me off sometimes lmao.

Thoughts and opinions? Am i in some weird phase of denial? How do I just not think about him?? What is happening? I’m frustrated.