Pregnant and my boyfriend is a cheater :/

Warning long post I feel like I need to get this off my chest.. also my first time posting on Reddit. Hopefully my shitty story can come as warning to others.

I guess I will start at the beginning! My SO (m26) and I (f26) have been together since senior year of high school, it will be 9 years in February . We’ve both made mistakes and have grown (or not) in different ways. Even when we’ve “broken up” we’ve still been together. I always like to think of our relationship as the song by gnash I hate you I love you. He says “am I in love with you or am I just used to you” . Anyways like any relationship we’ve had our ups and downs. If I were to tell you everything I’d have to write a short novel.

We have lived together since 2017– we were 18/19 at the time and in 2018 I got pregnant for the first time. At the time it wasn’t right for both of us. We were young, stupid, and broke so I had an abortion. Time goes on….I still think about my what if baby all the time, but I know deep down I made the right decision. Jump to end of October 2021 I found out he cheated on me — he went out on a date with someone else. We broke up but he had already moved back in basically by February. Though I was 100% committed again, that September 2022 I found out he was still cheating on me during some part of that time frame but I didn’t know to what extent. His reason being we hadn’t put a label on it… okay whatever I forgive him again we move on. We’re still together having our ups and downs and ups and downs. That August of 23 I find out I’m pregnant. The pregnancy itself was easy but emotionally what I had to deal with was brutal, just even more of a rollercoaster on top of all the hormones. I end up having my son the following April— my beautiful bundle of joy who I love so much❤️ My SO and our relationship has always been one extreme to the next. We’re either really good or far from there’s no happy medium. By July we ended up having a long talk. I was unhappy I didn’t feel he was helping me enough, I felt like I was doing it by myself. Anyway he said he would change and help more and surprisingly he did. But during our talk I also said well you know I want to go through your phone, but he denied me. Of course I knew that was a red flag but he said I wouldn’t find anything blah blah blah it’s just his phone. Whatever i don’t pressure him anymore. We agreed it would be a fresh start and if something happened again or I found out that he lied about not cheating on me we would be done. So like I said he did start helping more and I appreciated it. Things were good, then things were bad. Things were ok, then good, then okay again. Then things were great in December. We were doing really well and then one night he passed out drunk with his phone unlocked….. you could only imagine the horrors I found. Not only was he still a cheater but honestly probably never stopped from 2022. You know I’d like to think it would be easier had it been just one girl but it was just random people. I don’t know which is worse. So the next morning, I told him what I found before heading out to church. I didn’t yell at him just told him how I felt blah blah blah. Right before I left the house he came and apologized of course. Then on Monday we had a talk tried to come up with something he agreed that I would have access to his phone he’d share his location and think about getting some type of help. Then I ask to see his phone because he said he wiped it clean from all the awful things on it. Within a minute I jump to his burner IG account were I see he was trying to hit up someone the previous Sunday evening !?!!??? The same day I had told him what I found and he apologized. I think that’s what opened my eyes really like you can’t even make it 24 hours? You care that little about our relationship, our family, my feelings? His reason—- oh well we barely talked about everything Monday. LOL So literally nooooo consideration right? So I realize that I need to be done you literally give zero fucks about me about this family, but obviously he begs to differ. Then a cruel joke from the universe, I find out that Friday that I’m pregnant. I love my God and I know he is not vengeful but sometimes I feel like it’s payback for what I did in 2018. Oh well. I can’t go through another abortion I’m not strong enough, besides it’s not the baby’s fault there dad sucks. So here I am 6 weeks pregnant. About to be a 27 yo single mom of 2. It just sucks, I have terrible thoughts that I don’t even want to type out. But it’s my fault I made my bed now I have to lie in it. I don’t know how to feel. I would be seriously dumb to give him another chance but I think about being 8 mo pregnant and not being able to pick up toddler. And not that I’m looking to find love right now. I’m definitely not and not for a while, but who’s going to date me with 2 kids let alone get married. But I have to have hope and try to find some positives.

Anyway I just had to post this to get off my chest. I Don’t have anyone else to tell the full extent of what Im currently dealing with. So if you’re wondering if you should give your SO another chance donttttttt lol people don’t truly change.

Hopefully you all aren’t too mean to me. Anything mean you want to say I’ve already thought, so have at it. Thanks for reading my rant.