I’m officially pregnant and I’m sad

I’ve posted a few times about my pregnancy. I’m 42 and pregnant for the first time. My husband is 65, father of 4 adult kids and doesn’t want more.

I went to the doctor yesterday to confirm the pregnancy. I’m 8 weeks, 1 day pregnant, which is exactly in line with my calculations.

Everything seems normal as far as the pregnancy goes so far. They did a transvaginal ultrasound and I heard the heartbeat. My doctor says everything looks and sounds just as it should at this stage, and she sees no reason to not proceed with the pregnancy if it’s what I choose to do. Her goal is to help me have the healthiest, safest pregnancy possible and while there are increased risks associated with my age it’s really nothing out of the ordinary these days. She went over the genetic tests available and what she would recommend based on my age and concerns. She could also refer me to a genetic counselor based on my age alone, even without having any red flags at this time.

I got out of there and went to my car and just cried. I had a pity party for myself, let me be honest.

When I got home my husband asked me how it went. I told him it was fine, everything normal, I’m 8 weeks pregnant just like I knew I was. I also told him I was having an abortion. I told him I know that’s what I need to do. It’s the right thing to do. I’m just going to cry about it and be sad for a little while, but I’ll be fine. It would be selfish to him and the future person I’d give birth to. I missed my chance. Maybe if this had happened 10 years ago, or if I had realized back then that I had this longing for a baby we could have talked about it and made a decision less influenced by our ages. Just because I’m pregnant now doesn’t mean this is fate or any sort of special sign from the universe that I’m supposed to have this baby. Plus, what if something goes wrong? Or what if I just really end up regretting it and making a decision so totally based on emotions that I can’t take back? I like my life. I’ve survived this long without having children, I can keep living this way and being happy with a more certain future and my freedom.

I went to the bedroom to just lay there and cry. He came in and said “You don’t really feel that way, do you.” I told him to not question how I feel because that’s only going to make it worse. He said he’s fine with me making a decision and he’s not telling me to not terminate, but he doesn’t believe I’m actually making a decision based on what I want to do at all. If I’m going to spend the rest of my life acting like a martyr over it, he rather I just have the baby. It’s not about me being a martyr. I KNOW from a rational place that I shouldn’t have the baby. I wish I could let my emotions win but I just can’t seem to let my emotions have any say. I really wish I could be selfish this once, that I could just let myself and deal with the consequences later.