Reconnecting challenges after overnights
I'm really struggling with transitions where my husband's return home from overnights is concerned and would benefit from support about ways to make the transitions smoother. Or, reassurance that this will level out over time.
I suspect my autism (adjustment issues, very late dx @ 41) and/or the fact that I'm in the throes of really bad perimenopause symptoms at 49, which I'm starting to treat with HRT, are the root cause of my problems. My husband says I'm acting really out of character, which I believe. The problem with hormonal stuff is that it all feels so normal.
Normally I've been happy to see him meet someone new whom he connects with. But with his new partner, I've been a mess. I don't want to get in his way and I don't want to have the adjustment issues I'm having. And yet, here I am, feeling like I've been handed yet one more thing to adjust to (see list below), even though his new relationship isn't mine to deal with.
I feel like a huge hypocrite when it comes to my challenges around reconnecting with my husband after he's been with his partner overnight, which happens twice a week. It was all great in theory, but I never took into account that my adjustment issues could or would play into something I so enthusiastically wanted for our relationship for the past 10 years.
We are still finding our footing with reconnecting rituals. One of the struggles I have is that every overnight comes with a different time frame, so it means every instance is different. I'm really trying to have a nimble mindset, truly, I'm just lost right now. Is it healthy to anticipate that he be home by a particular time so we can start our reconnection? I know what I need/want, but I also don't want to be an asshole about it.
I feel really raw and vulnerable when he comes back home. It takes me a good couple of days to feel like I can have sex with him again - just in time for him to see her again. I really want this to shift for me. Has anyone else gone through this?
He met her two months ago and their connection is really rare and special. This is his first significant poly relationship, despite us opening up 10 years ago. I've been with my partner, who lives with us, for 8 years. I'm willing to consider that I'm also grieving the loss of having him to myself - that whole mononormativity thing. And that what felt really right in theory is a different ball of wax in practice.
My therapist feels my issues here aren't about jealousy as much as they're about attachment issues with my identity and self. I'm going through a lot of life changes right now. Even my therapist said it's too much:
Menopause & resulting identity issues are at the forefront
Kid needing me less and less
Chronic illness hijacking my free time
Trying to reconnect with friends
Husband and I recovering aspects of our marriage. Couples counseling starts next week.
While he's away, I spend time with my partner or work on projects at home. I'm working on building my community again after years of being really sick.
Thanks for your support!