I don’t know if I’ll get over the dread

Basically title. I have never wanted twins. In fact twins has been my biggest fear since we started a family. It took me a year to get pregnant with my singleton 2 years ago and when I walked into the first ultrasound appointment I told the tech “I’m hoping for a heartbeat and I’m hoping for just one.” I had recurring nightmares during that pregnancy that there were two in there and the doctors just forgot to tell me.

Now me and my husband have ONE accident. Literally one time and I end up pregnant way sooner than I want. Ok fine, life happens. Cruel that the planned pregnancy took a year but whatever. Then we find out that pregnancy is twins and I felt like my world was crashing around me. I thought it was just shock but it’s been 3 weeks since we found out about the twins and I still don’t really feel any positive emotions.

I physically feel like shit. I don’t think I’m a good enough mother or prepared enough person to handle twins. I feel like I’ve completely ruined my life but that I have to keep it all bottled up because all my friends and family are so excited.

I have help. I have a strong support system. But it doesn’t change the fact that the burden of this “blessing” falls 100% on me and I dread it. This probably makes me a bad person for feeling this way, and I wish I could be excited but I just can’t right now.