Yall..I've been sober since 12/26

19 whole days. I haven't been sober for more than 5 days since 2017. My "quitting " came from anger. Tired of having to reach out and be sugary nice to people who I do not actually like so that they will serve me. Tired of juggling the little money that I don't spend on pills between my bills. I'm tired of not paying my bills on time. I'm tired of Lying to people So I can borrow money. I'm tired of never buying anything because I'd rather buy pills. I'm tired of being wracked with guilt every time the pills are gone and bills are left. Tired of my daughters not living like normal people because they have functioning addict for a mother. Tired of not being a good example. Tired of feeling so useless I wanna od. Just tired.

I blocked everyone and every time I think about them I get so damn angry. They tripped over themselves to supply me even when Id ask them not to. When i blocked the number they called from other phones. When i moved over an 1 1/2 away, they volunteered to drive to me. That's what happens when you pay fast, buy the most, and you include a tip if they come by you first. You're the preferred customer and they know your weakness. Every time I told them I was done they'd call just to "check on me" and slyly let me know they had something in case I needed a little something and I always gave in just like they knew I would. Not this fuckin time.

Honestly there this old perverted guy that gets 180 10mg percs and he lives for the times I have no money. The 18 months after I met him I found myself doing things I cried about later and every time was the last time. He actually hates when i have money. I'm upset with myself about that. I miss the woman I was. She would never. I feel like calling his Dr and telling them to do a pill count on his ass but im not a hater and I believe in karma.

Please wish me luck and strength. I have my moments every day but I try to make myself wait 15 minutes before I place any calls and then i use that time to talk myself off the ledge or watch one of the many videos I have of me crying and begging MYSELF to stop killing me. It's been working so far. When I told myself even if I slip once I can get back on track, I thought I was giving myself a pass and miraculously I didn't take it. I don't know how but I didnt. I could call 5 different people now but I haven't. No clear reason why not, i just haven't. I'm so proud of that.

Been in addiction since 2008 and have never gone a full week without pills. At one time I was taking (10) 10/325 perc or norcos at once like 3xs a day.. I don't know why I'm not dead. When I did have a script of 60 I'd be out in 2 days. I also had a physical last week of December and even after 16 years and thousands and thousands of pills with acetaminophen my liver is OK too. I couldn't believe when my Dr said that. That also aids me in choosing better. Feels so weird to have spending money again. THAT is the biggest oddity to me.

Edited: thanks to anybody who made it this far. A kind redditor told me to break it up inti paragraphs and I did that. I know the grammar and sentence structure is atrocious and I apologize but I'm not good with that and I just wanted to get it all out.