I hate being an indian girl

Being an Indian girl is so rough on the self-esteem. I never saw myself as unattractive or undesirable until I got older and started seeing what people say about us on social media. I’d watch videos ranking the attractiveness of girls by race, and we’d always be at the bottom. Then there were those "what race would you never date" videos, where people would stereotype us as smelly, hairy, or just flat-out say we're ugly. Before, I'd kinda just not think about it that much but whenever I liked someone( even indian guys), I'd think, "Would they even date an Indian girl?" It pretty much became ingrained in my head that nobody would like me.

Looks are obviously subjective and I’d say I’m slightly above average, but that's definitely not enough. You need to be a really pretty Indian girl to get the same level of attention as an average white or east asian woman. My self-esteem was already low, but with the recent rise in anti-Indian hate, it’s practically nonexistent now. I’ve seen videos on TikTok with people saying they’d never date an Indian woman, and they get hundreds of thousands of likes. I know I shouldn’t but I read the comments and end up feeling hurt and disgusted with myself. It’s annoying—if people hate us so much, why do they keep talking about us?

Deep down, I know we’re not necessarily unattractive, it's just a result of horrible media representation and ignorance. I’ve seen beautiful Indian women and even look up to indian influencers who challenge these stereotypes. It just feels unfair knowing that we’ll likely always be perceived negatively while other women don’t even have to think about this. I always have to make sure I look perfectly put together because I never want people to think I’m “smelly” or "musty". It sounds corny, but it feels like won't ever truly feel beautiful. It’s like I have this paranoia that everyone thinks I’m repulsive. I wish things were different, but the reality is just depressing.