i feel like a ghost wandering around waiting to pass on

i hate the helpline, my doctors did nothing, i was forced to stay in that hospital room for nothing. coming home is just pure torture, i want to go out, i want to be alone, anywhere but here. my mom cant leave me alone for a while, i cant cry because she tries to comfort me but i dont know how to tell her i just want to be by myself, cant even do that because the doctor told her i am a threat to myself and have to be monitored. theyre making me go to appointments with therapists and psychiatrists, i told them im not interested in going, they said i have to. im so lost, i dont know what to do anymore, i feel so alone and pathetic, i cant talk to anyone because its so embarrassing, thinking about the cops showing up to my house is just so shameful. i dont know how to help myself, i have never wanted to die more than i have right now. i fantasize about getting an hour alone in my room and going to join my grandma. nothing helps, can someone please just tell me what to do