A letter to my ex

It still hurts. I pretended as if I were fine. I wasn't and I still am not fine and I'm so tired of pretending otherwise. All my friends tell me to stay away from you. I told them I hate you but every night I see you in my dreams and I keep missing you.

You never listened to me or to what I had to say. I tried so many times to make this work but you were so damn immature. You told everyone that you dated me as an experiment because apparently you wanted to know what it feels like to have a rich gf. Did you ever truly like me? Was it all a joke?

You cried over your ex and I consoled you. You ruined my relationship with my friends and I forgave you. You cheated on me and got your ex pregnant and I CONSOLED you. You ghosted me because you felt guilty and I apologised and begged for you to come back. I kept thinking that maybe I wasn't enough and that's why you did what you did. Isn't that funny?

I was struggling with depression and I called you because I just couldn't take it anymore but you told me that you couldn't care less if I decided to end it. And still I thought maybe you were just having a bad day and you didn't want to hear me cry over the phone. So I apologized and I hung up.

Again, I cried to you on the phone on new year's eve because I was happy that I'm still alive and what did you do? You told everyone that I'm such a crybaby and I'm too much of a hassle. That you just couldn't stand me. When your friends told me that, I thought they were joking because you were so damn convincing when you held me like I'm the most precious thing in earth and told me again and again how much you liked me.

You threw 6 years of friendship down the drain. You said you were my best friend and my partner in crime and yet you told your friends that you were with me just as an experiment? Was it funny seeing me beg for your attention? Did you have a good laugh when I called you crying because I couldn't bear the thought of losing a friend?

I could go on and on but it'll never end. When I told you that I felt hurt, you said you didn't care. You said you didn't even like me to begin with, that we weren't even friends. Does that mean for 6 years you were just playing with my feelings? You were my ONLY FRIEND.

How could you do this to me? How could you do all this and text me asking if we could hook up? Are you f-ing insane? I had blocked you. But I keep seeing you in my dreams. I keep seeing the good times we had and what could have been. And I just feel so heartbroken. Even if everything was a joke, I truly loved you- as friend and as a lover. I unblocked you hoping that you'll one day reach out to me saying that you regret your actions and you miss me. But I guess that's just hopeful thinking. I kept wishing that you'd change, but you didn't and you never will.

So, even though I hate you, I really miss you. I'm sorry.