I will never get over my boobs.

My post history obviously displays a clearly unhealthy attachment to this insecurity. So before you tell me that I seem obsessive and depressed over this, I know. I already know. I can’t afford therapy anymore. I used to go. I can’t anymore. I’m just so sick. I’m bisexual, I have attraction to both men and women — but it’s hard to date men when it seems like their whole world revolves around boobs. Which I just don’t have. I’m not even 110 pounds, the most I’ve ever weighed is 115. That’s it. I’ve never been able to gain weight, I have the body of a 12 year old boy and my guy friend told me once that the reason men don’t approach me in public is because my body makes me appear younger than I am. Sometimes, I get so in my feelings about this that I just wish I didn’t exist. It’s everywhere I look. I can’t scroll on tiktok, because every woman on earth has at least some set of boobs except for me. I’ve had friends mock me for it, no man has ever said anything kind to me about my boobs and I’m at the point that it’s beginning to feel like truth. And no, I don’t want to hear that the grass isn’t greener - that you have big boobs and back pain and whatever. It doesn’t help. I still get sexually harassed by weirdos. Yet I’m not sexually attractive enough for normal, sweet guys to like me.

I’m so afraid to have sex with men. I just can’t take my shirt off. I have this petulant fear of seeing disappointment, of a guy being let down and going oh, that’s ok, and not touching them, or being turned off completely. It feels like a punishment. It makes me feel like less of a woman. I’m already hardly feminine, and this doesn’t help. I will never experience a guy being totally head over heels for me because you have to be sexually attractive for that and I’m not. I can’t imagine any guy genuinely wanting to have sex with me, because men like boobs and I don’t have those. It just sucks, I don’t know why I’m built like this. I’ve tried to gain weight, I can’t. I’m 18, they’re not growing anymore than this. And my entire family is women of big boobs yet the genes just skipped me. Nobody understands. All my girl friends talk about bra shopping and how men adore their bodies and I can’t relate. It makes me feel genuinely like the ugliest woman on earth sometimes. And there was this post sent to a gc I’m in about how she was hiring people at her job, and her male accompany’s wanted to hire a girl with big boobs who had no resume over a flat chested girl with an excellent resume. Like how am I supposed to compete with that? How am I supposed to do anything when having no boobs is going to dictate if I can get a fucking job of not?????

It’s so stupid but sometimes I wish I could just find a guy who would genuinely like my boobs and tell me that he likes them and mean it. I know it’s not right to crave validation but I do. I will never get over this insecurity, I’m better off just getting a boob job and finally being able to feel normal like everybody else.