I'm gay, and I can never come out

Throwaway account, for obvious reasons. I (32M) am a guy from Asia. I'm gay.

This might be my one and only chance to ever write it to someone else out there. My family is religiously conservative. I work at a conservative - leaning establishment. My society is also conservative. My parents, who I love very much, would die if they found out about me. In fact, I have no chance whatsoever to come out of the closet without severe repercussions on my life.

I'm not a hookup kinda guy. I've always dreamed of finding (and being) a loving husband and father. I guess I can never be that man to anyone. I have a great job, I'm educated, I'm financially alright. But I'm gay.

I was raised in a religious family, so I believe in God. There was a time I experimented with atheism, but it didn't work out. I cannot accept the absence of God in this world. Speaking of experimenting, I've never once kissed, or dated anyone of either gender. I guess, if you know, you just know.

So, here it is. My one and only record in this world regarding my sexual orientation. I'm gay. When I die, I want to see God just so I could ask Him one question: What justification can He give me for condemning me to a lifetime of loneliness and misery? Once He answers that question, then I can be satisfied even if He puts me in Hell.

To all my out and proud LGBTQ folks out there. I'm so happy for you, and jealous. Appreciate the freedom that you have to be out and proud. Love your partner, cherish them. There are so many people just like me, living in a suffocating closet without any hope of ever seeing the sun.

Let me watch you and smile from this darkness. I'm in therapy for depression. It helps. But I can't reveal this even to my therapist since my country doesn't have affirming therapy. I l wake up each day knowing that I'm content, but I will never be happy.