Dear Mom

I still can’t believe it’ll be 16 years without you on February 10th. I feel like you’re giving me signs that you’re around watching me in particular with seeing the date of your death anniversary on a lot of things lately but I’m still not sure. I got a book recently to help with the grief for my specific situation but I’m not sure if it’ll help or bring more grief to me. I miss you so much mom. I wish you were here to witness my college graduation and see what I’ve created with my artwork and to also how good my older brothers been doing and being married to a great partner who I hope is always there for him.

I still feel like I don’t know what to do on that day even though I’ve listed your favorite things to do and eat on paper. The grief along with how bad the holidays were has been taking a toll on me physically/emotionally. I wish you were around because I have a feeling you struggled with a lot of the same depression symptoms as I do, in particular the feeling of being stuck in a tunnel when you desperately wanting to get out.

I’m trying my best mom and I know things will get better soon but I miss you so much and wish desperately that things were different. Overall, I am glad to know you’re no longer in any kind of pain even if it does make it hard for me at times. So please just send me another sign to let me know you’re here, another date on a soda bottle or something; please. I want to know you’re with me and that you miss me as well.