Can any ex-moonies or specifically “fallen 2nd Gen” relate?

Hi all, as the title states I’m (F30) a former “2nd Gen” who’s got out and married someone outside of the church and have a child too. I have a small lovely apartment with my family, great husband and friends. But I realized I’m constantly depressed and I feel like I’m still living a double life although I’ve left the church and cut all contacts with moonies for many years. My husband and friends know I was a moonie but of course they wouldn’t understand the DEPH of it if you know what I mean.. The whole cheong pyeong/anju/tithing/ancestor liberation workshops) basically the first 20 years of my life. I always feel alone because I cannot relate about a lot of experiences with my partner or my friends especially when it comes to childhood. I realize I view the world differently, I have very different opinions about things from everyone else, I cannot sympathize with alot of things as well because it all seems so surface level to me compared to the things I’ve went through. Whenever I voice out my opinions on things, everyone it’s just kinda like 👀 because I guess I become too “deep” if you know what I mean? and I feel like a weirdo. But I realize my peers will only come to be PRIVATELY whenever they’re in a crisis (divorce/abuse) because they feel like I would understand them the most and have the empathy for it. At first I was happy that I’m the one they come to and I was able to help them through their crisis, but honestly sometimes I feel kinda offended, like a free therapist. I also realize that recently it has affected my marriage too because my perception of love is screwed by the influence of the church and we have many arguments over it. And I get so upset over little things like my husband liking other girls pictures on IG, and I feel uncomfortable of life he used to have (clubbing and one night stands) and I also don’t like his friends, which I keep to myself because it’s obviously not his fault at all. I don’t feel the “devotion” from him that the church has instilled in me about marriage although he does all his fatherly/husband duties. Deep down I wish I had a normal childhood instead of constantly being in church reciting prayers/responsible for the upkeep of the church like cooking/cleaning/serving the leaders) I wish I got to be a trashy teen going to clubs instead of attending workshops and hitting myself with a thousand others in a sweaty hall.

I guess I just have alot of resentment and PTSD and probably unhealed post partum depression too (it doesn’t help that my mom passed while I was pregnant too😅 that’s a whole other story) that’s preventing me from being happy and grateful to have a normal life. But I also feel like a typical therapist will not understand because it’s such a niche experience that I’ve had.

I know I should move on and live the life I deserve but I feel like such a boring person and also so so lonely at times that I actually even miss the moonie life.. that’s how bad it is.. Because I miss the sense of community, not THE community.

Thank you for reading this if you’ve come this far, I know it’s all over the place I apologize.