id send if it wasn’t so long.

I hope you’ve been okay in some way. I’ve been reflecting on us, and myself. If you’re open to hearing this, I’d like to be transparent about my beliefs, my apology, the hope for things to change, and what i’ve come to see. this might feel overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be. no matter how this goes, lets remain calm and centered ok? I understand you might not even want to hear it, but there’s part of me that just can’t let go without trying. I’m taking full accountability for the hurt I’ve caused. i know i should be gone by now but it’s a cold, hollow, and unsettling feeling to go into the new years without you. I want to change that, if possible..to make things right, not wrong. i want to hear your perspective. I understand it could feel like I’m pestering you to reconsider being with me, especially when you’ve said you can’t, but this message is different. It’s everything i’ve been holding onto. it has everything that i hope you can recognise. this isn’t a “will you get back with me? yes or no” type of messages. what i’m really asking is: do you still feel anything for me? literally anything..if not, i’ll respect ur honestly but i still ask for you to hear me and for clarity i guess. i know my tone could come off harshly so i’m adding a heart to soften it. <3

(whilst they listen to that, id be typing this) ———> i’ve done much soul-searching and i know the cracks in what we had. i want to show you id be picking the broken pieces in my hand until you’re ready. if we don’t try..can you tell me how you can get past the regret and wonders of never knowing? genuine question because i don’t know how to do that. scrolling upwards, you said you want to do this with me. that wasn’t much longer before this happened…i find it hard to believe your feelings changed so fast. so on that note, if you’re willing, i want to approuch this with communication, patience, love, maybe even a little trust? (slowly) from where we are as of now. i think you’re scared of facing the same pain again, and I understand that. but what if that fear is standing in the way of something beautiful? i’m being as vulnerable as i can be right now and want to reassure you that you can be as well. it’s ok, everything is ok phoenix. while expressing my hopes and commitment to you..i want you to know i am leaving room for you to decide what you want, and how you feel. just please, PLEASE don’t pull my strings. i respect your autonomy and whatever decision you make, as long as it brings what you want and is not tainted. what i mean by that is; often fear takes over. it controls actions and mindsets in one. could that be what’s happening rn? it happens to many, midst breakups. people walk away because it feels easier, or they’re unsure how to try again. or the sad truth: there’s no fucks left to give. i don’t believe, nor want that to be us..do you want that to be us? or believe it already is? if opposite to what i believe..don’t you think you are giving up too soon..this isn’t some relationship that’s only been a few months; we had something real. you can’t deny that. ik you can deny that we could have something real again. though i’m not allowing anybody to twist the truth that what we had was real and i hope that goes for you too. i didn't make a safe space for you to disagree with me because of sensitivity. hence the dishonesty. as hard as i tried, it was wrong. i ignored your actions. actions speak louder than words and love is perception. we perceived it in different ways. i found a message that made me realise how oblivious, selfish, shallow and dense i was. i didn’t acknowledge deeper needs you had. the aim for me to understand you for one, behind your silent whispers.

breakups bring out true colours, vulnerabilities hidden in the relationship. they reveal what’s important and if there’s enough care to continue from what went wrong. there’s infatuation, obsession, or the honeymoon phase. all that ends after a breakup. may just be where love is shown in the truest way. when one can face the reality of being apart can understand the depth of love. whether it’s worth fighting for or not; we are the only two people who could know that. i understand i was underdeveloped emotionally. overbearing too. i tried to do sm for me to prove myself worthy of your love. that came from the hatred i had for myself. i was more anxiously attached and insecure than i thought i was. i understand we had different concepts of love, i want to learn each others to give eachother what we both need. i apologise for ways in which i wronged you. i wanted more that you couldn't give. i can admit i responded to your boundaries immaturely. i'm choosing to forgive myself for my mistakes, and yours. do you think you can as well? i’m not going to hold onto some fantasy of what could happen years/months later.. couples break up and get back together but they fall into their same ways. they don't try. i witnessed that my ENTIRE childhood and i don't want that to be us. please i rlly don’t. but i also refuse to try 500 times over and over..i want to try once..please don't dismiss this. we'll either figure it out, or we won't, but I'm asking for baby steps. those help you right?

it really hurts to know that you're talking to someone else now I can't help but feel like I'm being left behind, especially when I'm still struggling with everything between us. I understand that you might need space, or maybe you're just trying to move on, but it's hard to accept. It's hard not to wonder if that person will take the place I thought I had in your life. I keep wondering if he's just a rebound, or if your feelings for him are starting to grow into something deeper than what you felt for me. If that's the case, l'll respect it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I can't help but wonder if you love him more than me, or if you still care about me in the same way. I'm here, holding on to what we had, it’s painful to feel like I'm competing with someone else in your hearlt

i love you always. even if we don't end up together, my love will never burn out. but at this moment..I'm asking for one chance with understanding that this is our final shot to get it right. we never fought about petty stuff like everyone else does. our arguments came from concern for each other and that says sm. if we try and fail, I'll be the first to let go. i know the most loving thing we can do for each other is to acknowledge when it's no longer working, and I want to give us that chance to try, to learn, and to grow. If we can't make it, I'll accept that, but I won't walk away without giving it my all. i want to understand what you're feeling, too, and I'm not asking for answers right away. I just need to know if you feel anything for me at all... literally anything… one chance..no promises, no guarantee..just us, trying.

one last try, my love? If it's not meant to be, I'll respect that. But I believe we owe it to ourselves to see if there's still something there. I'm not sure what more to say, Phoenix, but I truly hope you'll reconsider-for us. To see if there's still an 'us'... to see if it feels right for me to call you my love.