Not a letter to you

I feel so angry.

I will not write this to you. Thinking of our story makes me feel so sad, I never thought I would have fallen in love and had my heart broken so quickly.

Love has never been quick for me, love has always been a commitment, even in my most turbulent relationships I felt as though I owed it to us to see if we could work things out. Because it means something, you mean something.

The you from when I was 16 and even though I never felt wanted I felt belief. The you from 19 and I finally felt wanted, addicted to our control. The you at 21 who showed me gentleness and explosive anger.

But not you.

You gave me noncommittal love with overcommittal words. Guaranteed empty promises. I gave you everything in me, everything I had never given to myself let alone anyone else. I gave you the real me, i let you in, all the way in. I gave you parts of me that I didn’t know could be. Now I feel nothing but pain, pain in place of trust and belief in my turn of something good. That I could be good. I can be good.