I failed today

I’ve been letting depression get the best of me. I haven’t showered in a week. I put on new clothes yesterday but repeated them today. I did my next with lotions and perfumes and usually if there’s the slightest possibility of me smelling I’ll just stay to myself. But today I had to be in class. Bunsen burners going off all around the class. I tried to stay seated as much as possible but I heard someone whisper “she fuckin stinks”.

I wish I just stayed to myself for the day. I work really hard, overcompensate really, to not appear homeless. I barely repeat outfits, I isolate when I don’t shower, before recently I did my makeup everyday. No one knows and I pride myself on that.

I just want to crawl into a hole.

And I will add this caveat… I don’t think I’m any better than someone who is visibly(or olfactory) homeless. I’m just sad to notice the decline of my mental health. To not be able to manage the things I’ve been managing. Nor maintain the things that are important to me.

I’m scared.