Looking for some words of encouragement (long)

My ex and I broke up in September after a year and a half of dating. I’m 22 he’s 23 so we’re still pretty young and this was both of ours first serious long term relationship. He’s the first guy I’ve truly loved. We had a healthy, trusting relationship. Neither of us were perfect but there were no major issues. Although I always had a weird feeling because when he would do things to upset me, he had a really hard time taking accountability. He always used his life as an excuse. I supported him through his stressful work life and tried to remind him he doesn’t need to be so hard on himself. But eventually I started becoming resentful because I didn’t always feel that support was reciprocated. I regret a lot of things and picking fights instead of using my words so sometimes I fear I pushed him away. I don’t know. He is not a mean guy, he’s very caring, loving, and respectful. I don’t really include that in the rest of this but I know he loves me, just not in the way I need.

We came to a mutual decision to break up simply because he just wouldn’t fight for me. A few weeks prior, I had told him I needed a break because I had an issue with some girls he followed on instagram. He responded throwing everything he does for me in my face, saying he’s the best boyfriend around, and said “I’ll give you a week and you can decide what’s best.” No apology, no checking in with me, I was wrecked. I just wanted him to fight for me and show me that he truly loved me. 4 days later I caved and wanted to talk to him. I felt like I was dying without him. I didn’t get the apology I wanted but I couldn’t handle losing him. Then a few weeks go by and he’s traveling for work and I hadn’t seen him for a week. He comes home and I see a barstool bikini girl account in his twitter search history. I lost it. I was so hurt because I knew he was losing interest in me. That day for fought for hours and he did not show me he truly cared for me. I just wanted to hear things like “I’m so sorry can we work on this together” or “I can’t lose you let me make this up to you.” I decided we needed to break up and he agreed.

We left things on good terms because he is truly a good person and I love him so much. We decide to keep in touch and “be friends” 🙄 dumb I know. 2 weeks later im out with my friends and I found out the day after we broke up he was out at a bar and told a girl we had broken up. But we had both agreed to keep this private and he told me he had only told his family. I freaked out. Called him drunk and he tried to accuse me of telling her first because she asked how if we were still together. I blocked him on everything. I regret the way I handled it but I was just feeling so hurt and blindsided. I was sick. Crying everyday and couldn’t even eat. I hated myself. I missed him so much and what we once had and where we had come to now. I just wanted him to show up and my door and make it all better.

The next month or so I was in a cycle of going out, getting drunk, missing him like crazy, and occasionally calling him and showing up at his place. He would let me in and we would hook up and I would cry and tell him how much I missed him and loved him. He would tell me I don’t understand his life and don’t support him enough and he just can’t do it. This only made me want him more because I couldn’t handle rejection from someone who I once was their everything. He would tell me he would text me to get coffee and never would. I felt so worthless and weak. But I couldn’t stop. I found out he was on Hinge. Another knife in my heart.

A couple weeks ago suddenly everything changed. He texted me about the election and we had a conversation. I asked him how he was doing because I still care about him so much. Not knowing what’s going on in his life killed me. Then I asked him to get coffee and go for a walk. We spent the day together and suddenly he’s acting like he wants to be with me again. I’m gonna be honest I initiated everything. Hanging out, staying in touch after, everything. I know what it means but still. Stupidly we start hanging out again to see where it goes and if we should get back together. I knew it was wrong but it felt so good to have him in my life again. He took me on a date, texting and calling me, it was like we were together again. But I was feeling so insecure and anxious. I broke down in front of him a few times telling him how I was so broken without him the last 2 months and pretty much depressed.

Then Wednesday night was when I knew it wasn’t gonna work. I had told him I was going out with my friends. He said he might too and if I needed a ride to call him. We’re texting and I told him where I was, no reply. An hour later I see him there. He walks up to me for a quick conversation, not trying to hang out with me or anything. I don’t hear from him the rest of the night. I just wanted atleast a text to check in and showed he cared. I would’ve loved to hang out with him for a little if he asked. I call him at midnight and ask him for a ride. Like he told me to. He sounds hesitant and tells me he has to drive his friends home first but if I want to wait an hour or so he could. Obviously I’m not waiting till 1 am for a ride home. I said never mind and that was it. I don’t get a text asking me if I got home safe, or telling me if he gets home safe. I was so upset once again. I don’t hear from him till the next morning. Night ruined Thanksgiving ruined. I felt like an after thought when he is my every thought. If tables were reversed I would’ve driven him home in a heartbeat and made sure he knew he was a priority to me. I told him yesterday I can’t do this anymore because I’m starting to lose myself. All I do is worry if he’s gonna leave me again and I need more reassurance from him after these last few months. He basically told me I was asking for too much without saying it. I’m clearly not a priority to him and never will be. I used to be which is why I’m so heartbroken.

I know I made the right choice but I’m so sad. I cry so much and miss the days where we were each others worlds. I know there’s probably someone else. Or he’s just emotionally unavailable. I’ve lost myself for this guy and fought for him with all I had. Why can’t he fight for me? Why can’t he just make me feel better? Maybe I’ll never know the answer. I would just like to hear people’s opinions to help me feel more confident in my decision. I know I will move on and need to not contact him but that’s all I want to do right now.