am i the only one who feels like this?

i’m 18FTM, stealth, 2.5 years on testosterone and booked for top surgery in about six months. i feel so certain of my identity as a binary trans man but there’s something thats been eating away at me and causing some doubt and i guess sort of a queer imposter syndrome because ive never ever seen any trans guys talk about this…

not sure how to phrase this so bear with me but essentially any sort of doubt that i have ever experienced in the last four years about my transition is directly tied to sexualizing myself?

i know when i was first coming out as not cis i was way too scared to say that i was a trans guy because i felt like that would mean letting go of any chance of men finding me attractive (i guess I couldn’t even conceptualize myself passing as male or being in an MLM relationship so it felt like i could only be with a guy if i was a girl lol)

growing up i was never ever crushed on but always had SO MANY crushes and have always been a total romantic. i’ve had a total of three relationships and i initiated them all as i was the first one to be interested.

when I see detransition content it makes me feel really overwhelmingly scared (i never interpret this as some sort of “sign” because i infact have an anxiety disorder). but the ONLY thing that i think about when i think of being a girl is wearing clothing that would show cleavage????????

I absolutely hate my chest and CANNOT WAIT for surgery and just the thought of it is so heart warming and fulfilling. the ONLY connection I have to any sort of feelings remotely tied to being a girl is basically just being objectified…?

when I think of living my life as a girl I think of outward appearances and people finding me attractive, whereas when I think of living my life as a boy I feel fulfilled and want to wear outfits that make me feel attractive to myself.

there is no part of my mind that wants to be a girl beyond the very very very minimal thought of a guy finding my body physically attractive…

is this totally insane of me to feel? is anyone else in a remotely similar boat? am i still valid in my transition and trans identity?

TLDR: whenever i experience doubt about being “actually trans” the only appealing part of being a woman to me is the thought of men finding my body and specifically chest attractive. is this even remotely normal?

TLDR: whenever i experience doubt about being “actually trans” the only appealing part of being a woman to me is the thought of men finding my body and specifically chest attractive. is this even remotely normal?