Relapsing, TW: details

Ok. So I’ve been anorexic since I was 12. It was on and on from an early age but stabilized when I was 14. Dropped a lot of weight when I was 15 and was taken to the hospital. Heart rate of 32. They said I wouldn’t have simile over another day. I was in a inpatient treatment center/ house for a while and recovery has been hard but now I try to eat whatever I want. I’ve gained about 30-40 pounds since recovery 4 years ago and I’ve been having a VERY hard time coping. I was eating and enjoying food these past few days. Making pasta, garlic rolls for my family, eating a lot of carbs, feeling good, not worrying as much. And today I try on two pairs of Fashion Nova jeans a size up from the ones that just barely don’t fit me anymore. I think it’s the company cuz the sizing is inconsistent but it made me feel like I was back at square 1. And I wanted to go right back to that. How do I stop little drawbacks from taking me to that place again? I just feel so disgusted by myself and I can’t stop crying.