yea idk whats real anymore

im having it rn as im typing this, tried everything. I feel horrible its rlly hard to explain but im pretty sure ive got it from doing weed. Yes its sad im a 14 year old boy doing it, and now i dont know what to do i want to go to a doctor or smth but i dont want my mum knowing that i do it. I feel guilt knowing my mum doesn’t know i do these stuff. All she thinks of me is some innocent asian boy who does well in school. Idk atp suicide is my solution i dont like this feeling.