I'm really tired and I can't stop hating myself

I really don't know what to do, I'm so overwhelmed of everything even tho I know that I don't have many problems and I love my mom and my friends and I'm always trying to be grateful, but it hits from time to time and I start to be so upset thinking that I'm nth, useless, ugly and a bad person. And when it comes to make changes and do the things I want to do to improve myself and be better I just do it for a while then go bok to the same person it's like I get myself to be lazy so l start to be hateful towards myself and this is the cycle since I was 14 and now I'm 25. And suicidal thoughts comes again and I even still do the self harm till today after all these years. I'm just in the same place not putting the effort to be better in career or in personality. Idk what to do. I guess I want help I don’t want to give up for real I want a change.