Planning to kill myself with my best friend

Today my friend and I were in the bathroom, and she said, "What if I kill myself, like genuinely." I thought for a bit and said, "I would do it with you." We made a pact the first time we opened up to one another, if one dies the other one will as well. Ironically, it was supposed to keep us both alive, but now it's being used as a shared escape plan.

My best friend is literally one of the only people who's keeping me alive right now, and I really don't know if I could handle living without her. We made a plan, and both started writing our respective letters. We're still writing one to each other and I'm guessing we'll probably read them before we die.

The most guilt I feel is for the people who I know care for me. My mother, father, sister, all the staff at the hospitals I've been to. They tried so hard to help me, supporting me through hard times, intense depressive episodes, and probably thousands of dollars. Yet, in the end I couldn't help myself. I guess my dad was right, "We can't help her if she wasn't willing to help herself."

It's not that I didn't want to, or I didn't try, I tried so hard, but it was never enough, and I don't think it could EVER be enough.

I'm sorry I couldn't make them proud.