I am admitting that I self harm

Today is the day I am openly admitting that I SH

I am 31 years old. I have a daughter that is 5 1/2 and a Husband that I have been together with for 8 years.

I feel like a total fucking failure. I can’t keep a job due to my depression and panic attacks. I haven’t finished my fucking degree in marketing and I don’t know how to advance in life.

I hate myself and I can’t see my value or the value in being alive.

Yesterday I had enough and I punched myself in the face and aimed with my knuckles. I was punching myself harder and harder each time, until I saw that I was getting puffy and my knuckles started to hurt. Today I woke up with a puffy face and bruised cheeks. It hurts talking, smiling and whatever expression; it hurts.

I have been to therapy before and they always ask if I SH, and I always tell them no. But I do, I just realized today that SH isn’t just cutting, but punching myself until I bleed from my nose and pinching myself with tool on my stomach, under my boob, nipples and thighs until I get hundreds of small marks is SH as well. I have been doing these things since I was 18.

I just realized I might not be well, eheh. Or, I know I’m not well, I am suicidal. The thing that keeps me going is the thought of my husband having to tell the worlds best daughter that her mom has died, I can’t deal with that guilt.