I'm still here for some reason

Im still here! Didn't kill myself yet, though the days do get worse. I graduated, probably the hardest thing i had to do, not breaking into tears in front of everyone. I'm taking summer college classes, not doing that great. I still don't have any drive to do anything, I'm just resigning myself to go with the flow. But now as the days come closer for actual college, and my parents and relatives outline what they expect from me, Ive started to consider killing myself, even if it's painful. I have a creek near my house, i could just go and drown. My house is pretty tall, i could go on the balcony and jump headfirst. I want to do this, but i dont want my family to know, especially my siblings. I don't want my parents to use my death as "evidence" that the world has its "grips" on the youth. I'm still researching ways to die, but can't really get past the block on Google. Idk if I'll come back here or not, let's see if i survive.