"It is a nightmare to be addicted to caffeine. This is my first day without it."
I have made the decision to quit caffeine, and today is my first day without it. I have attempted to quit before, but have never been successful. I feel the need to connect with other caffeine addicts and receive support on this platform. I have come to realize that for some people, like myself, caffeine can have a similar impact as heavy drugs due to genetics or other factors. Despite being easily accessible, socially acceptable, and even encouraged, it can cause horrors in some people's lives.
I am a 25-year-old male who has been drinking coffee since I was 13 and started working during the summer to earn pocket money. I remember being amazed at the trick I found to work longer hours and earn more money. My parents were daily coffee drinkers, so it was a normal thing to do in our household. They didn't hold me back or restrict me.
Initially, caffeine made me feel more creative and helped me come up with projects and businesses I wanted to start in the future. It made me feel more confident and aspiring, often euphoric. I remember some Saturday mornings when I was 16 and home alone. I drank two or three coffees, blasted music, and felt on top of the world. I was euphoric, ecstatic, confident about the future, inspired, etc. Since then, caffeine has become my "right-hand" life partner. It seemed to be working amazingly for me, but over the years the situation has changed.
I feel miserable, anxious, tired, bipolar, depressed, exhausted, and burnt out. I feel like I can't trust myself anymore. My energy levels and functioning are dependent on a drug that I have built tolerance to and which is no longer effective. Over the last five years, I've been drinking 4 to 6 large cups of extra strong black coffee per day, occasionally adding dark chocolate, Coca-Cola Zero, energy drinks, and tea to the mix.
I am now aware that in my mind, consuming caffeine links to:
Productivity: for years, I've had a cup of coffee next to me when focusing and being productive.
Creativity: for years, I've added coffee next to me when doing anything that requires creativity.
Efficiency: for years, I've believed that coffee is what helps me be the quick-witted, smart, and efficient person I enjoy being - the one who comes up with solutions, ideas, and executes them. The one who keeps their promises and can pull all-nighters if needed.
Confidence: I've enjoyed being the kind of reactive, impulsive, funny character in social occasions or meetings - I've always thought that caffeine is what helps me be sharp, read the room, and come up with jokes and replies that spark the room.
Growth: for years, I've fed the thought pattern that coffee helps me do more at workouts, social occasions, and work. Overall, I feel that I'm growing as a person and becoming better if I drink coffee.
The thing is, for a long time, it seemed like everything was going well, and I was on a good path. But for the last 2-3 years, I've been struggling. I know that I'm addicted, but every time I try to stop drinking coffee, I end up starting again after a few days. The longest I've managed to stay off caffeine was 8 days in 2022, and it was miserable. I've built my life around this caffeine lifestyle. As the CEO of a company, I can't take 6 months completely off to stay home and recover from caffeine addiction. I've tried tapering off caffeine tens of times, but I always end up in the same place - drinking excessively.
I have come to realize that my identity is entirely dependent on my caffeine consumption. Obviously, there are underlying psychological issues/traumas and beliefs that need to be examined. I've been sober from alcohol for 1.5 years, and I had problems with that, too, but quitting caffeine is an entirely different battle. Yesterday, I attended an Anonymous Caffeine Addicts meeting. I'm trying to connect with people who are or have been in my situation.
It's scary to me to be around people without being caffeinated. It literally feels like my brain cannot structure words into sentences while I'm in conversation with someone. This morning, I sent an email to my partner that should have taken 2-3 minutes to write, but it took me around 20 minutes to write. It's scary how dependent I am on caffeine. On the last occasion, I recall experiencing withdrawal symptoms beginning on day 3 or 4, once the caffeine had completely exited my system.