The Ultimate Guide To Dealing With Being Ghosted

Hi all,

as there is more and more postings popping up from people who don't seem to be able to handle being ghosted, I just want to write a comprehensive "guide" which helps you cope with ghosting. Here we go, hope it helps as many people as possible:

1) Understanding ghosting.

In the most simplest terms, ghosting is a sign of laziness/comfort rather than a deliberate attempt to hurt the "ghostee", so to speak: If you have been ghosted by somebody, chances are that said ghoster is simply looking for the "easiest way out". Yes, ghosting feels rude and disrespectful to the "ghostee" and yes, in an ideal, utopian world ghosting would not be a thing as people would simply be honest with one another. Yet as it goes in our heavily individualistic society, a lot of people just care about themselves and their own POV and hence are completely oblivious to the impact their actions have on others. So no matter how you twist and turn it: Ghosting is but an avoidant behaviour which speaks volumes about the ghoster, yet says little to nothing about the "ghostee". That said:

2) Don't take things personally - you'll just harm yourself even more.

So you invested time and energy into somebody who eventually ignores you without giving you any closure. You are hurt because the least you expected was some clear communication as in: "Hey X, I think this does not work out." Naturally you are upset because it really does hurt when people decide to not even be straight forward enough to reject you. So far, so good - but do you notice that it is you who gives all of that importance to the ghoster? Ask yourself this: If you already invested an X amount of time and energy into trying to build something with the ghoster, did you not waste enough of your "resources" already? Why exactly do you still dwell in that place of anger or frustration or whatever you feel? What exactly do you get out of putting even more time and energy into ruminating about someone who clearly is too lazy and immature to engage in straight talk and hence offering you proper closure? Next to that, you holding on to the desire to get closure from somebody unwilling to offer said closure to you is nothing but self-inflicted torture, right? You know you won't get an answer to the question why you are ignored all of a sudden, and frankly it would not even change the situation as the other person made it clear that they simply don't want to be in touch with you anymore. As mentioned before: It says everything about them and nothing about you. So you got to reframe the experience, and here is how:

3) Reframing ghosting.

Being ghosted is a blessing in disguise. If you do feel hurt or frustrated because of being ghosted, chances are you still don't fully understand that your ghoster just did you a huge favour. Ask yourself this: If a person doesn't even have the balls to be straight forward enough to tell you they are not interested in dating you anymore, how would said person probably treat you if you were together? The answer is crystal clear: There would be no honest and straight forward communication in general. Ghosters haven't got the integrity and honesty to speak one of the easiest words of all: "No." Now imagine how things would turn out if you had to discuss serious issues with a ghoster: Do you really think that a ghoster is mature enough to tackle complex arguments head on, being honest and straight foward rather than dwelling in comfort, trying to manipulate the situation? Of course they are not. How frustrating and hurtful would you consider a scenario in which you already invested years of your life into a person who plays games with you, unable to put the cards on the table and to communicate clearly and openly about what really is going on in their head? I guess you would not want to be married to such a person and waste a decade of your lifetime dealing with someone who can't even look you in the eye and discuss uncomfortable topics with you, right? So rejoice, because your ghoster just did you a favour by showing you that they don't have what it takes to be a great partner anyway: Integrity and honest, straight-forward communication.

4) Exercising gratitude instead of being clingy.

Now that you understood how to frame ghosting in a healthy way, exercise gratitude: You can meditate or journal or simply talk to yourself in your own mind. State something like: "I am thankful for X ghosting me - they just gave me an opportunity to move on from their rather immature nature and gave me a chance to break free from a cycle of bad communication." You got to understand that you yourself decide whether you stay butthurt or see the positive things in your situation - regardless of how much your ego might be bruised by somebody who ghosted you. You can also meditate on this: "I am happy that X ghosted me because now I am free to pursue somebody else who behaves in a mature and honest way." As you can see, you hold all the power in your hands regarding either getting bitter or being happy and confident. As I mentioned in the very beginning: Being ghosted in itself is not the issue - what really matters is how you respond to the ghosting and how you incorporate it into your life. You decide whether you want to cling to a ghoster or just acknowledge the ghosting to be your chance to focus on other people who actually treat you with the very honesty and maturity you do deserve. In other words: Every time you get ghosted, you win. So just be thankful. for dodging a bullet rather than engaging in doomsday-thinking.

5) You can control your thoughts - but you cannot control other people.

I just want to add that you can only control what is within your control - in this case: Your mind and your attitude. Focusing on the ghoster generally won't lead you anywhere, because neither can you control their minds or change them, nor should you be able to. We discussed re-framing and all, but there is an even bigger lesson to learn here: You cannot change the wicked ways of others, but you can always work on your own attitude and on how you approach the world. Which means you also have the power to break the cycle of using and abusing others: You already know how it feels to be ghosted, so instead of lamenting this "injustice", rather look at yourself and commit to not making the mistakes other people make. As mentioned in paragraph no. 4, you just got a chance to reflect on how you would like this world to be - and chances are that you want to live in a world without ghosting, right? So you yourself can make the first step in creating such a world by being different to the people you thing did you wrong. Be the change you want to see in the world and lead by example: If you think ghosting is wrong, don't ghost and show people how to communicate clearly and respectfully. Be an inspiration to those who still need to grow as people. It is the very same with people who lie or cheat in other ways: If you want to end the cycle of infidelity, lead by example and show to the entire world how to live a life as a committed and loyal partner. If you want to see less violence and aggression in the world, lead by example and stop yelling at people or getting abusive otherwise. Change starts with yourself, not with others. And even if the entire human race turned out to be mean and evil tomorrow: Be the beacon of light that stands against immature and hurtful behaviour of others. Even if that simply boils down to offering yourself some empathy and compassion - cause you deserve it.

Final thoughts:

You simply got to internalise that other people's mistakes or antics simply are that: Their issue. If they are not mature and honest enough to treat others with basic human decency, all they truly do is mess up their own lives by causing a situation in which they mainly deceive themselves. If somebody is too lazy or comfortable to develop a decent character, they only hurt themselves by attracting equally lazy and imature people while at the same time shutting out those who know better. The latter might include you. What seems to be your loss is actually theirs, because you already are on your way to live a different life: A life defined by integrity and honour. By honesty and respect towards others. Something people will notice, especially the right ones which you would like to be with anyway, right? No matter how you twist it: There is only one healthy approach to getting ghosted, and that I just discussed with you.

So take it easy, cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up for reasons that have nothing to do with you but everything to do with other people's attitudes and characters. As the proverb goes: The "trash" will take itself out - which is a great thing, isn't it? Every bullet dodged means another chance of having better luck next time. It is as simple as that, so don't get into the habit of beating yourself up over things you should not - after all, doing or not doing so always remained your own choice to begin with.

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Good luck to all of you people out there, hope you find love. As far as ghosting people go: Maybe you'll take this post as an opportunity to do some introspective work, too. You know just like I do that you can do better. So just decide to do better and act accordingly. By the end of the day, you too win if you cut out ghosting: Cause less ghosting means less frustrated and hurt people, which translates as: Less toxicity overall when it comes to dating.