Dark past final episode

No sane woman confesses these things what I have confessed in my last episode....did I do the worst thing here and attracted so much of intrigue in my DMs, people are asking if all this is really true, some are outright denying that I am making up all of these delusions. sorry guys, I can't reply to every one of you, I am telling again and again here through my post. That was my past, but I am not into that anymore. I request you not to message me about those wild things I did. I know that episode caused so much excitement and drama, but it is true, and that was my darkest phase. People may have difficulty believing these things, but I can not do anything to make one believe or prove this to anyone, nor I am asking everyone to believe this and show sympathy for me. That is the last thing I expect from strangers on the internet.

There are many instances where these kinds of things happen, I am glad that many of you guys had a good protected life, safe life till now. But also remember there are awful stories in this world. News lo stories vasthe chala interesting ga chustaru, badha padtharu. Nirbhaya, Disha lanti athi daarunamaina cases lo ne victim ni blame chesaru ah ratri puta ammai baitaki enduku vellindi ani, valla mundu nenentha oka afterall ni. It is a sad world for females.....victim blaming is rampant everywhere, reddit is not any different....I wish those souls and many other unnamed, unfortunate women rest in peace.....

Some harsh truths are hard to believe, I understand that. Even if one person thinks if this kind of story is happening to someone near me, if one person tries to check on their female friends, sisters, cousins, etc. I think all the effort I am taking here to write this will be justified. And yeah, I am writing in a dramatic story like and impactful language here, may be to put it right into the minds of people. If it sounds fake, I am sorry.

Life is not like cinema to make decisions in a jiffy. There are a lot of factors involved. Family, finances, children, society, love etc etc. All come into existence when you are trying to break apart. I was the one person in my past who hastily advised a lot of people to take a divorce when a conflict arises. I thought divorce was as easy as shown in the movies, but it is not. Until I experienced that for real, I didn't understand the complexity, the mental strength it takes, it will take away all your energy, all your light, especially when children are involved....

I wasn't interested in money, I do not give importance to assets, all the worldly things. I was only expecting one thing, a person to love, a person who understood me, one who makes me laugh, the one who creates a safe, non judgemental space for me. But unfortunately, I couldn't get that in my life. In all phases, I faced the misfortune. Kindati janmalo edo chala pedda papame chesanu anduke emo ani anukunta chala sarlu. I was totally addicted to alcohol, smoking, and D*ugs in order to sleep and forget everything. I intentionally would ruin my health, hoping that I would die soon. Oka manishi ki evo konni untai badhalu but marii intha daridrama? Enni debbalu thinali?

Kani edoka adrustam undali ga okka chinna place lo aina lekapothe enduku ila unta, ah adrustam anedi konthamandi friends rupam lo vachindi, ela connect ayyamu enti ani pakkana pedithe, the support I received from 2 certain individuals was immense, I received all the non judgemental space I had with them. They listened to all the bullshit I had to say. They were so patient. Till the day I die, I am always grateful and can do anything to those 2 individuals who have slowly dragged me out of all this. Who will remain my best friends forever. My well wishers. Who genuinely tried to put some sense into me.

At the peak of my conflict with my husband, I burst out infront of him one day, I cried like a baby for hours together putting out all my trauma, I made him sit infront of me and see me pour out everything, what all he did, what all I did till that day, I asked him lot of questions, for the sake of our family, for the sake of our future one last time. It was only the before day, I was standing in front of the police station contemplating to go inside to file a complaint on my husband for the domestic abuse. Because he hit me like an animal, he left bruises, he caught my neck and banged it to the wall, all because I asked to stop what he was doing and how it is making me want to k*ll myself and begging to think about the children. But but I never went into a police station....I am so scared.....What will happen to them when I unalive myself? Who will look after them? That was the only thing making me not do that. Seeing their little faces made my heart ache, they should never face any problems until I am alive. After all, I am the one who brought them to this world. I am solely responsible for them. I should never leave them alone. Absolutely nothing bad will touch them until I am alive. I need to stop all this nonsense. They should have a safe space, good parents, and a happy life, I won't repeat the same cycle that I have faced in my childhood. Otherwise, I create two more future broke individuals and two more dysfunctional families like me.

We had a discussion for long, it was a make or break day for both of us, I do not know what happened, I do not know what made him realize his mistake, is it my awful sad face? my cries? Our children?......He didn't see my face all these days he didn't see into my eyes at all, its been nearly an year since we are not facing each other even living in the same house. But that day was different. Both our egoes went down the drain. We looked into each other's eyes and broke down. I put my hand to into his hands, I asked him what we married for going against everyone, do you remember what all we spoke with each other, we promised we would live together and create a safe space for our children. We will build a house together. Did we forget all those? We have been hurting each other so much. Where is the end for this? We can not divorce because I do not want the children to be in a broken home. They both need a loving mother and father.... What will everyone think? What do our parents say? How will the kids react? What happens to their future? Anni questions, eh.....

That day, we confessed to each other, we both made mistakes, and we both ruined each other. Marriage is not as easy as it sounds. What doesn't break us will make us strong. Yeah, we cheated on each other. Yeah, we were awful people. We shouldn't do that in the first place. But we are humans we make a lot of mistakes. No one is perfect. No mistake is an end of the world..... All I can say is that we need to learn from our mistakes. Do not repeat them. If we abide by that motto, I think life feels better.

We once again promised each other that we would start life a fresh together. Oka peeda kala la marchipodham antha. Mana pillala kosam mana kosam malli improve cheskundam. Anni oke roju lo avvavu, day by day we will improve....we will build our life together one more time....

I went to the therapy specifically for SA, and I was put on anti depressants, I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD panic attacks. But slowly, with medication, I am improving....we are both doing well. We are keeping an effort into understanding each other. It is a rebirth for us. Mainly for me. I came out of that worst storm like a champ that I am, more stronger and wiser. With more control on my mind and body.

There is more story, many more instances which if I write will go on for 10 more episodes..... where I faced abuse, even in foreign countries, even with the people I believed as my brothers, good friends, everyone took a chance at me, I am so unfortunate that they thought I am a slut and can accept everything, just because I talk freely, I laugh loudly, I dress well or I look beautiful. Just because I want to enjoy my life to the fullest, go on late night drives or walks, enjoy partying or dancing. All the things I wanted to do that men get to do and enjoy like a normal person. I was judged, stamped as a woman who is careless and can tolerate sexual abuse....it is a sad, sad world for women......If I have a power to change things, the first thing I will change is this inequality.....

I wish everyone luck, never ever neglect your mental health. Even if you make mistakes, please realize and correct them. Do not feel shy to say sorry, do not let your behavior affect the people you love. Life is like a bubble. We never know when it bursts. Count each day and count your blessings. Do not get addicted to anything for the sake of diversion. Be calm, be safe, take therapy if you need, and take help from friends and family. Finally, all the females, be safe, amma. I pray that no one faces abuse like me. All the abusers should die a horrible death. Be brave and fight like champs....