Dark past episode 4

My downfall.....

Did my husband get bored with me? I was thinking nenem tappu chestunna, enduku every phase lo edoka daridram pattukuntundi. I kept on asking him, "Am I doing anything wrong?" Tell me nenemmanna change cheskovalante cheskunta. Do you want me to dress in a certain way? Behave in certain ways, cheppu nenu change avuthanu, enduku nenu antene chiraku paduthunnav? Na life lo naakunna one and only close person nuvve, please do not avoid me, innallu baane unnam kada ippudu emaindi, nannu chustene lechi vellipothav epudu chudu tiduthunnav. Sexual life gurinchi discussion techinapudalla lechi vellipothunnav neetho thappa evaritho discuss cheyannu? Weekends poddune coffee taguthu unte chala happy ga undedi....that was the only time we used to discuss things and life, how far we came, what we should do in the future for our betterment. Kani ippudu phone pattukuni kurchuntunnadu, thala kuda ethatledu....kotha company lo join ayyadu kada akkada kompatheesi evaraina ammai tagilinda??

His answers were very crisp and half assed to my discussions. Some of them are like this......emi ledu nenu baane unnanu neke edo mental ekkindi nannu epoudu anumanam ga chustunnav, neeku entha chesina saripodhu inka edo expect chestav. Naku friends unnaru neeku lerani neeku baga kullu ga undi, eppudu naa venta pade badhulu friends chesko, life lo friends undali, neelaga eppudu husband ne patukuni undakudadhu. Ne childhood lo friends cheskovalsindi, aina mee vallaki pogaru gaa memu dabbulunnavallam ani ekadiki pampevallu kadu, mee family ne antha eppudu memu goppa mem adi idi antaru....neeku adhe alavataindi emo, nuv kuda meevalla laage aipothav le antha na karma ninnu cheskodam....ma parents ni eppudu sariga chudaledu nuvvu respect ivvavu, nenu dabbulu lenodini ani nannu takkuva ga chustunnav, nenu low class ani neeku sariponu ani anukuntunnav ne mind lo naku telusu....nenu veedini takkuvaga chustunattu ga emanna behave chestunnana? Oka dani nundi inko daaniki silly ga teeskelthunadu enti topics anni.....

Identi e pichodiki ilanti thoughts enduku vastunnai kothaga, evaro bayata nundi feed chestunara? Vadu thappa inkevaru avasaram le ani naakuunna konthamandi classmates ni kuda matladdam maanesanu...ipudu veedu naku duram aipothe inka na pani aipoinatte malli ontari jeevithama? Devuda em cheyali? Na mind lo unna thoughts evaritho matladali? Evariki chepakapothe chachipoyelaga unnanu....naku edo kavali, edo craving which he is not entertaining at all....

Oka roju chala heated discussion ayyindi...I was talking abt a serious issue, enduku manam mana life ni refresh cheskokudadhu, shall we start something new? Edanna trip veldama poni? Change ga untundi? Sex life is dead, edanna kothaga try cheyalani undi please chedhama? Neeku naaku idariki baguntundi.... Sudden ga lechi na champa pagalakottadu....neeku eppudu sex pichi... anthagaa naatho satisfaction lekapothe road meedaki velli evadu kanipisthe vaditho paduko....po.....siggu leni daana....

He got a call, ah sare vastunna annadu. ipude vastanu baytakellali annadu....ekkadiki? Gym ki velthunna....naakedo anumanam, evaro ammayi pilustondi velthunadu ani 6th sense chepthondi....car keys daachesanu....na car keys ekkada? Car keys enduku nee gym mana society lo inti edurgaane undi gaa? Neekunduku naaku keys kavali....na ear buds andulo unnai. Sare pada nen keys teeskostha chudham car lo ne ear buds teeskuni nuv gym vellu nenu car keys teskuni intikeltha....enti anumanistunnava? Car lo ear buds levu.....vaadi pocket lone unnayi....ekadikelthunadu....evaritho? my heart was beating so fast.....edo tappu jaruguthondi....

Oka roju athani phone lo edo notification, edo theda ga undi..... anumanam thatukoleka teeskuni chusanu, evaro ammayi peru, ivala vastava intiki? Me avida ki edokati cheppu office pani undani....chaduvthunte vachesadu enti na phone muttukunnav entha dhiaryam unte na personals chustav? Malli na champa pagilindi....na phone muttukunte champesta....evaru ah ammai? Instead of going to a trip with me...he went with her and posted their pics on insta.....My heart broke into million pieces.....ala enni sarlu adigunapudalla nannu kottado naake teledu....divorce icheste peeda pothundi.....kani antha love chesi ela vadilesthanu? Inko pelli cheskodaniki evaraina vastara? Asalu vaste vaadu nannu baga chuskuntada? Na past telsi kuda? Adantha ipudu nenu cheyalenu.....I love him....vadu em aina give up ivatledu nenu....athane venakki vastadani chustunna.....

Inka naku lopala revenge laga start ayindi, edokati cheyali nenu kuda edokati cheyali....vediki lesson nerpinchali....I saw myself in the mirror, nenu asalu baguntana? Nenu baagundanu emo anduke veediki vere ammai kavalsochindi....ah pilla naakante baguntunda? I want an opinion on myself? Let me post some of my pictures in reddit GW subs and see how people react... will they say I am ugly? I want some feedback on my appereance...I need an ego boost....let him go to hell.....

The comments and DMs I received were extraordinary, people went crazy over my pictures....enti nenu intha baaguntana? People were all over my DMs telling me how sexy I look, may be half naked pics pedithe andaru alane react avutharu naalo special emundi? Ledu you look extremely beautiful, nee husband oka unlucky fellow, intlo treasure petkuni bayata chetha lo dorluthunnadu..... let's post more pictures and get validation from strangers....did it become an addiction? Exhibitionist kink? I badly want someone to crave for me, someone should satisfy all my kinks, someone should beat the hell out of me and slap me...kick me....I have CNC kink may be.....I want someone to force me and abuse me.....and my nymphomania gets bigger by the day.....na lopala inni unnaya? Did my childhood abuse lead to all these kinks? Do I need therapy? Evartho discuss cheyali? The thing which I am doing is not right at all.....but I want to do it.....

I met few people and slowly I opened myself that I have these kind of things going on...should I trust them? I have no other option, let me ruin myself....naku nannu unalive cheskune dhairyam ledu....poni evadanna champesthe peeda pothundi hayiga chachipochu, ah roju nannu abuse chesina strangers appude na peeka nokki champesunte aipoyedi gaa, why did they leave me alive??.....ee badha antha undedi kaadu....alone ga undakkarle......I went into dangerous things....I started meeting one or two guys to satisfy my kinks and they did all I wanted....they slapped the hell out of me while abusing me....it satisfied me, my body was red with bruises....I saw myself in the mirror and I got a high out of it......I was satisfied my husband will finally learn a lesson.....Its done all the loyality I have shown to him.... all these years....its all gone....I was crying while doing all those awful things to myself.....It would be good if someone r*pes me and kill me.... naaku bathakalani ledu......I tried to unalive myself multiple times, but edupu thappa dhairyam ravatledu....nenu chachaka aina vaadu lesson nerchukuntadu.....

P.S. the things which happened in my past...I cannot change them, even if people judge me, even if they think I am a big L, I cannot change anything now, it was me...I am prepared for all this even before writing my first post, now nothing affects me....I am confessing myself and writing this diary like series here to release my trauma, this is my story.....it is what it is....DMs are going crazy, some ask if I am still interested, some ask what porn do I like, some ask if they can genuinely help me, some ask if I can sext, everyone is waiting for their chance to get a piece of cake...but I am far far away from everyone and everything....I do not wish to go into that black hole again.....sorry.....