Hate that I have to rely on men

Just need to rant.

I was in an accident with a tractor trailer earlier today, and I’m fine thank goodness, but being in the situation has made me realize how much I hate the fact that I’m in a position where I need to ask any man for help.

While I was driving on the highway today, on my way to brunch, I was side swiped by a tractor trailer. This person clearly knew it too because they immediately swerved and put brakes like they were about to stop but then kept going. I was too much in shock to note the company or license plate. When I saw the trailer swerving towards my driver’s side I honestly thought that was it for me.

Full disclosure, I’m late on registering my vehicle, so I did not call the police when this happened because I knew it could cause more problems than I’m ready to handle right now and my car was still drivable. Still terrifying nonetheless.

I called my dad I was driving back home and he immediately starts yelling at me how that’s why I should’ve been up to date on my registration. All I had said was that I was hit by a tractor trailer so he had no idea what condition I was in either. When I got home the yelling continued, forget the fact that I’m still shaking because I felt like I could have almost died. I hate the fact that I am relying on him for my car insurance so that I can get my car repaired.

Anticipating the costs of repairs, I also reached out to my ex for help paying my deductible. He graciously said it was no problem, but I hate the fact that I feel like I had to even do that because he has done me so wrong in the past.

I feel like this is more anger directed at myself than anything, for being in a position where I am reliant on other people. I love being a teacher, but there’s continuously moments that pop up like this where I feel like I need to put myself in a position where I can be truly and comfortably independent. I worry if I stick with this career path I’ll continue to find myself in a position where I’ll feel like I’ll need financial help from men. I feel resentful because the men who are helping me are also toxic people in my life. I don’t know how to feel. Part of me wants to burn every bridge right now even if that means I will be roughing it for a very long time. Part of me says to be realistic and don’t make my current situation any worse. It seems like having any relationship with men in my life comes with concessions.

I know the registration is my fault, and I’m genuinely upset because it was first on my to do list when I get paid on the 15th. Definitely a learning lesson. I am currently in the process of downsizing my life (moving back with parents to hopefully be debt free in 2 years), so hopefully this will help put me back in a better situation.

Welcome all feedback— constructive, harsh, etc. Thanks for reading.