Bipolar ruined my life

Hey so I don’t have many friends left anymore and no one to talk to so I thought I’d try here. Please don’t reply with negative comments as I need some sort of light to lift me up.

In 2022 I was living in Georgia, things were really starting to come together for me. September of that year I landed two great jobs at the same time. One was at an expensive lucrative restaurant the other was at a prestigious magazine which followed what my degree is in. I never knew this entire time I was bipolar. I knew something was off with me but I just chalked it up as regular depression and anxiety.

About Three weeks into the magazine job I completely choked and was unable to finish the tasks I was given at hand. I stopped sleeping and eating and My boss told me that I had completely done a 180/that my personality had changed from my hire. This was so disheartening to hear.

I ended up having to quit that job which felt absolutely devastating and then 3 weeks later I chose to drink and drive and was caught and arrested. It ended up being dropped to reckless driving which really isn’t any better because it stays on my record for life.

Anyway, Feb of 2023 I was hospitalized for my mental state and it was absolutely horrible. Beds were hard, showers were cold and I had no contact with anyone outside of the facility for a week and a half. I was officially diagnosed as bipolar at that time and put on medication that continued to f my life up…..

I thought at first that it was working and made it through 2023 into 2024 with minimal issues but I still didn’t feel quite right even after going through countless doctors and feeling like a broken record.

Fast forward to July 2024 - I started shaking so badly that I couldn’t carry a drink tray, something that I’d been doing for close to 20 years. I was devastated. I had to quit my job, started drinking heavily again and quit the medication. I went into almost a blackout state and ended up moving back home in Michigan with my parents (I’m 35) now im at a complete loss and terribly depressed.

I can’t find a job in the field I would want to work in and don’t have any independence anymore. It’s terrible. I feel like I’m in one bad dream after another.

Please if anyone could offer any advice as I’m really struggling to live every day. I just want it all to end and it feels like the fun parts of my life are over.