So… I’m being admitted and other chaos surrounding it

So I had an episode of what I think was hypomania for about 4-5 days. The week before I was intensely suicidal and in somewhat of a mixed episode. Yesterday I crashed significantly and I now think I may be entering a depressive episode again. But yeah yesterday I was so suicidal I actually did something. So now I’m sitting here admitted to the general medicine unit of a hospital until they c a clear me. I already spoke to a psychiatrist and he’s admitting me to a psych ward once I’m medically cleared.

I don’t know where this is coming from… I’m not supposed to have mania. Not supposed to have the bundle that starts off amazing; no need for sleep, up for hours with endless thoughts and ideas, joy, spontaneity, talkative, laughing again, but so restless it hurts, no one can hurt me, so anxious and so irritable, and then by day 3 on like 2 hours of sleep it’s more distressing than joyful. The wanting to walk down a highway at 3am to watch the stars coupled with joy and being social and having so so much energy now is frantic energy, irritable, anxious, restless… This has happened before. But it’s not supposed to. I’m not even diagnosed BP officially yet.

But that’s clearly not a BPD mood swing. Especially lasting a week.

Then I crash. And like yesterday, I crashed hard. I get so suicidal, no energy, low mood, no motivation or will to live. No enjoyment for anything. Wanting to just rot in bed all day and waking up every morning just as exhausted as the night before because my sleep sucked. Still wishing I wasn’t here.

And other times there’s both, and that’s the most dangerous because it’s the worst of both worlds. The irritable frantic energy coupled with impulsive recklessness and suicidal thoughts to the moon. I want to die then, and I have the energy to do it.

This; along with psychotic symptoms non stop is my life. Not that I would ever call it a life because it isn’t.

I didn’t even tell the psychiatrist all I wanted to say. But for the first time in a long time he listened. They usually don’t listen.

He asked me about ECT, and Clozapine, and Ketamine, and TMS and whether I’ve had any of these before and have they helped. I have tried some and they have helped some…

But the biggest thing for me is I need this recognized. I cannot keep going like this. I refuse to go back to this without help.

But how do I even advocate for myself? How do I explain that bipolar 2, or even schizoaffective is a diagnosis I highly believe is likely I have, and that meds to treat it would vastly improve my quality of life. Out of the 20-30 different meds I have tried, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and anti anxiety meds have only been the ones that work. Antidepressants rarely do and often times trigger a mini episode where I’m high energy and the whole deal.

I can’t keep living like this. But I don’t know how to stop. I want to stop. I want THIS to stop. But given my long history, and no one listening. How do I even start to this can stop…

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Note: I am safe, I am not actively suicidal right now and even if I was I am currently in hospital under a form which means I am legally not allowed to leave for my own safety as of this moment. So if the above comments worried you a bit I’ll be ok. I’m just trying to figure out how to make this something that helps rather than harming and being a waste of time. Because I really can’t do this anymore. And I think everyone would appreciate if it was due to recovery rather than death.