Doubting at 17 Months

So, recently I am doubting if I’m really an alcoholic and if I have a place in recovery groups.

I didn’t use in childhood like a lot of people did. I mean like experimenting and stuff yes, but not like drinking with friends or anything. I didn’t start drinking “alcoholic-ly” until I broke up with my ex-fiance when I was 22 (we had been together for six years and cohabitated, so it was a big change). And I drank… a lot, and as a coping mechanism, but I think it was a normal amount for a 22 year old likely experiencing adjustment disorder.

Well, things progressed to the point where I ended up in a psych ward (NOT due to drinking or drugs, it was a suicide attempt) and as part of the intake they suggested me to go to an IOP program.

The IOP was for like a rehab for drinking and stuff, I thought it was going to be for mental health stuff like group therapy. They convinced me that I was an alcoholic, but I think it was like some brainwash stuff or something because I really don’t have anything in common with anyone that I was in IOP with.

This was in like mid-late spring 2022. Flash forward to December of that same year. I am experiencing suicidal thoughts again, the local AA club is having a NYE celebration that I heard about from the IOP program. I was like well I can drive my car off a bridge, but first I guess I’ll try this AA thing.

Got relatively drunk and drove like 10 minutes to my first AA meeting. People are pretty welcoming and stuff, they did a first step meeting for me and all of that. I kept going to AA because I was unemployed and it got me out of the house, and I liked hanging out with people. I never really had a group of friends before.

I did have a couple “slips” too and drank a few times, at what I would consider to be a relatively normal level. I did start taking Xanax a few months into the program and wound up (intentionally) overdosing. I was in a coma for like 3 days, hospitalized for an additional 3, psych was for a week.

THEN I begin to emotionally rely on AA. Like I feel better in meetings, it’s like all my friends are there and stuff. I started going to YPAA conferences in 2023, and again I really like the attention and how welcoming stuff is. I’ve never had friends or gone to parties before.

So now, in January 2025, I have been in the program like 3 years, and have a continuous 18 months of sobriety. I have a sponsor, have worked the steps (still working on finishing all amends), I’m GSR for a young people’s group, and serve on a couple committees for various AA related events.

But I’m starting to feel like I never fit in here in the first place! Is it possible that I was brainwashed into believing I’m an alcoholic, and that I just like the attention of being in AA? My sponsor said that we can have a larger conversation about it later, once I finish all my amends. People in various AA chats have said this is my disease lying to me, but how can a disease that I don’t have, lie to me?

People also suggested controlled drinking, which I guess I have done a couple times while working the program. One time I ended up being assaulted while blacked out, but otherwise nothing bad really happened. I was 23 at that time so again it was really kind of age appropriate for me to black out I think and just a random bad occurrence.

I know ultimately staying with AA and sobriety is a decision only I can make for myself, but any opinions or advice are appreciated!

ETA: I should specify I have no desire to drink again. Just wondering if my drinking is severe enough to need treatment.