Anyone else having a rough christmas?

My heart goes out to all of you stuck in an abusive relationship this Christmas. I got punched in my shoulder today for being too happy. I also received no christmas gifts even though I put my heart and soul into gifts for my abuser. At this point I don’t know why I do it. I’m afraid I’ll never stop loving her no matter what she does to me. Her hurt barely affects me anymore. I stay just to not feel the effects of being alone. I keep peace so that she’s not angry at me and I can feel loved, even though the love she shows me is all fake and I shouldn’t have to win it. Am I alone in feeling this way? I hope next year for Christmas we’ll escape this. Merry Christmas or Happy holidays and stay as safe as you can.